Comments about PostSecret (Note: content may be triggering)

PostSecret is a community art project where people anonymously mail their secrets on a homemade postcard. They've been organized into several books. In one book, the dust jacket reads, "You are invited to anonymously contribute a secret to a group art project. Your secret can be a regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before. Be brief. Be legible. Be creative."

I'm not sure why I thought about PostSecret the other day. But I did. Anyway, I browsed the web to take a look at a few. Some are sad. Some are funny. Some are poignant. Some are frightening. They come from people who appear to come many walks of life; all ages. A multitude of experiences. And many, many, many, many, did I say many? Many arrive to talk about eating disorders. 

Some come from the Eating Disorder itself, translating its language, it's purpose. 

Some come from the Eating Disorder's glorification of anorexia, its (and our culture's) misguided belief that restriction is control, and its terror of being "out of control."

Some come from Denial, protecting yet preventing an individual from facing his/her Eating Disorder.

Some come to confess that eating disorders exist behind fear, lies, and the pressure to appear fine.

Some come from people who want to make basic statements about living a life with an eating disorder. They insinuate the eating disorder's shame and hopelessness.

 

 

Some come from an Eating Disorder's awareness of its unchallenged narcissism.

Some come from the eating disorder's fear of recovery.

(Note: the EATING DISORDER'S FEAR of recovery) 

 

Some come from the Person's fear of eating disorder recovery.

Some come from desperation, as though to say: this is the last time, I swear...

Some come to speak about a lack of resources.

Some come from pica...or unspecified and other specified eating and feeding disorders.

 

Some come from sharing random acts of compassion towards individuals who struggle with eating disorder behaviors.

Some come from a dry awareness of the physical results of eating disorder behaviors.

I've found two that come from a recovered voice.

Listen, almost all of these Postsecrets are not very recovery oriented in content. But regardless of their make-up, they are recovery oriented in process because they are opening a conversation about the shame, fear, anger, and grief that underly the eating disorder. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder will be able to relate to a few (perhaps many) of these Postsecrets. The people who wrote them allowed themselves to be vulnerable enough to be honest. I'll admit, they were conditionally vulnerable. No one knows who these secrets are attached to. Nevertheless, they are being honest about their awareness of where they are. I challege you to be honest. Tell someone what your eating disorder is saying. Tell someone what your eating disorder is thinking. You may not know how to help you, but especially in the beginning, the process of talking about feeling helpless, ashamed, etc. is the most honest and self-compassionate thing that you can really do.

Secrets fertilize the soil where eating disorders flourish. 

So, this tid bit is more a message to those entering the process of recovery, but it's relevant for everyone:

Tell on yourself.

Your eating disorder lives and breathes in the little things that you think don't matter.

Tell on yourself.

You need external perspectives in order to feel related to, validated, and challenged in the process.
 
Tell on yourself for tuning out during that meal because it was easier to get through. Tell on yourself for skipping a snack. 

And tell on your eating disorder, because even though it only talks to you, it needs to be offered up to a team who can empower you to save yourself.

The Consummate Compassionate Warrior

Please watch the video below to watch Eleanor Longden talk about how she developed a collaborative relationship with voices that she hears. I am not sharing this video to suggest that individuals who have eating disorders also struggle with schizophrenia. I think it's important for you to know that I'm not saying that at all. But, I am sharing this video in order to suggest that the manner in which Longden speaks to her voices is an inspiring example about how we (with eating disorders and otherwise) must learn to interact with our thoughts and emotions so that we can live a more self-compassionate life. A life where we are curious about our internal struggles, a tenacious life where we are not giving in to the fuck-its, a life where we are taking self-compassionate responsibility for our lives, and a life where we continue to develop our ability to construct meaning out of experiences that feel frightening and deeply upsetting. Longden is the consummate compassionate warrior, and we have much to learn from her.

The following are significant quotations that I reflected on after I listening to her.

When Longden talks about her gratitude towards those who supported her, acted as resources for her, and did not give up on her, she says that they: "Empowered me to save myself."

Longden interprets her voices (and we can interpret our thoughts) as...
"A meaningful response to traumatic life events, particularly childhood events, and as such were not my enemies, but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems."  

In order to recover, Longden learned to...
"Extract and separate out a metaphorical meaning from what (she) had previously interpreted as statement that (she) took to be a literal truth."

Longden..."Deconstruct(ed) the message behind the words."

Among other things, an eating disorder is a language. When a person walks into residential treatment and has limited insight into the function of their eating disorder, it is as though that person has been attempting to speak themselves in a language that they don't understand. The eating disorder appears self-destructive, but eventually the person will realize that its message is a constructive one. It's a message that may ultimately say: "Something feels very wrong, I don't know how to understand it, I feel like there's something wrong with me, I don't know what to do....and I don't feel okay, etc." This message is constructive because these sorts of thoughts invite you to attend to solvable emotional struggles. 

In many ways, an eating disorder is a daunting puzzle that needs figuring out. Of course, the process isn't that linear or basic, but decoding is a part of the process. The process requires support; however, it typically needs some breathing room apart from one's primary family (for a limited period of time). It needs space so that it feels comfortable shifting its mode of communication into a language that you can understand and/or decode. An eating disorder is an element of yourself that is trying to communicate something to you about you. An example is: having lived a long time where one took the phrase, "I am a failure" to be a literal truth. If one took the time to extract a metaphorical meaning from the phrase "I am a failure," (and of course everyone's meaning will be a little different), one might pay attention to the attitude/emotional energy behind the thought, one might wonder...if for instance the phrase "I am a failure" is self-talk that sounds angry or sad...then what might the anger and sadness relate to? And how do you feel about externally expressing anger or sadness? Do you keep everything inside and act like everything is okay, when its not? And what are you preventing yourself from paying attention to when you are insisting to take "I am a failure" as a literal truth? And how does your body feel when you say "I am a failure"? Does it feel heavy? Does your eating disorder believe that restricting, binging, purging and/or exercising will make the emotion go away? Are you scared? Feel helpless? Feel as though the emotion will never end? Does the sensation make you want to escape your body? What happens? Decoding what is really going on can empower a person to take the reigns instead of allowing their eating disorder to lead. There are so many questions that one could ask, so many meanings behind a self-hating phrase. So many intentions behind an eating disordered thought or urge or perception. It also takes intentional looking inside to notice that you're even talking to yourself in this way. In the eating disorder, most of the time it presents as an eating disorder urge, or a sensation of body hate, or a holding onto a certain perception of the body, or a preoccupation with avoiding food, or a preoccupation with going towards food, or a preoccupation with dealing with food in a certain way, etc. In people who do not have eating disorders, self-hate presents in different ways. Incessant doing, perfectionism, mean-ness, anxiety, depression, narcissism, and worries about external judgment are a few solid examples. Most people say self-hating things to themselves a lot of the time, it's just that their self-hate is often not debilitating enough to recognize the statements. But one can figure out whether they are there, how they sound, and what they are attempting to convey by being fearlessly honest with yourself. Fearless self-honesty always works, and it is one of the most courageous things that a person can dedicate themselves to doing.

Thanks for reading my thoughts, please enjoy the video!