The most basic way in which these videos relate to eating disorder recovery is that: 1. Shame underlies the etiology and maintenance of eating disorder and 2. Unwillingess to be Vulnerable is one of the most powerful underlying forces that may prevent a flourishing recovery process.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Brené Brown is Brilliant
These Ted Talks really speak for themselves. I recommend watching them from top to bottom, they feed off of one another. Brown is brilliant. Poignant, funny, and honest. Oh, and vulnerable :)
The most basic way in which these videos relate to eating disorder recovery is that: 1. Shame underlies the etiology and maintenance of eating disorder and 2. Unwillingess to be Vulnerable is one of the most powerful underlying forces that may prevent a flourishing recovery process.
The most basic way in which these videos relate to eating disorder recovery is that: 1. Shame underlies the etiology and maintenance of eating disorder and 2. Unwillingess to be Vulnerable is one of the most powerful underlying forces that may prevent a flourishing recovery process.
Monday, September 23, 2013
▼ Allowingness ▼
I listened to Tara Brach again this evening; I listened to the audio titled 'Into the Wilderness.' First, Tara talks about habitual ways of resisting (and this reminded me of my blog because eating disorders are all about resisting; its a compulsion to resistance; it's an "I can't handle the legacy burdens and I need an escape" kind of resistance; it's an "if I sit in presence, I will feel like I am falling to pieces because my desperate and fearful mind will escape every other millisecond and I CANNOT TOLERATE the returning, the returning...just to be disappointed by the fearful mind once more" kind of resistance; it's an "I NEED to live in this role but I CANNOT live in this role" kind of resistance; its an eternal reverberation of: I'm not okay, I'm not okay; I'M NOT OKAY; it's chaos and it's excruciating...but recognizing and being with the chaos and the excrucitating-ness is the way to deeply recover).
Then, Tara talks about the body as a portal into what-is; a portal into the radiance that surrouds us. She talks about how seeking our inner nature mirrors the archetypal process of going into the wilderness. How we wander the internal world and the external world, and that we find the same barriers in both worlds. She means that being present in the external world, that being present with the breeze, that being with sensations that center us can deliver us to our internal sense of eternal-centeredness. Crying can be an advance into the wilderness. A few nights ago, a beautiful friend of mine cried as she thought of the concept of breaking the surface. Her tears following her longing heart. Internal voices desperate for profound self-soothing connection, simultaneously fearful of the process of self-connection. The tension between the different sorts of longing is a poignant sensation; but she sat with it, brave. A compassionate warrior. And she let her tears fall, and I felt grateful for her, and compassion for her. And I knew that her fear, her longing, and her vulnerability-angst were rooted in both her external and internal worlds. I think she is like all of us. I know that she is both poet and poem; in our own ways we are all poets and poems.
But like most poets, we also become those who condemn our poet-ness for not writing the perfect poem; the poem that goes: boom. Big blasting poems. There is a fear that one's inherent poetry and internal eternal-centerness will not be enough. Enough for what? To each his own. Still, we all avoid on account of being fearful that we are not enough. We all run away and the act of running away is never as simple as we can sometimes fool ourselves into believing. It's never really just avoidance. It's almost always a disowning process; a process of dismissing. In IFS work, we have a name for the parts of ourselves to who want to run away: protectors (managers, etc). They are the voices that say: If you do this perfectly, then everything is going to be okay. They are the voices of blame, self-recrimination, and self-deception. They are the voices behind the obscure sensation that something in comparatively wrong with our bodies; they are the voices attempting to sooth something inside of us by saying: You'll be acceptable when.../If only.../And of course...should...SHould...SHOULD! They are also the voice(s) that communicate the Felt Sense Prayer (which I have included in the bottom of this posting; it is originally written by Bob Shapero), which Brach recites at the end of her audio. Beneath the shoulds, they are really saying that they are afraid. They are really saying: I am saying "should" because you are fearful of what will happen if you do not do "___fill in the blank___" or if you do not become "_____." They speak on behalf of what is inside, and their voices point us in the direction of what always has been. A particularly true moment is when Shapero says: "More often than not I am just the most recent notes of a long symphony;" one must acknowledge the symphony and be willing to change the notes along the way. There is no point in waiting and saying, "next time I will challenge the shoulds," now is the time. Following the meal plan later, challenging thoughts later...later doesn't work. Do it right now; be with it right now. All we have is now.
The other side of "should" is allowing oneself to be with what is; allowing what-is to Be. And this Allowingness, allowing what is here to stay here; allowing ourselves to be here with whatever is here, is a concept that is so dear to my tender heart. It is central to eating disorder recovery. Do you know the threatening voices, the ED, the anxiety, the perfectionism, the self-hate...whatever you struggle with...the disconnection, the trauma, the depression, the narcissism, the fear, fear, fear; the things that seem as though they will never subside? These parts will soften if you are willing to BE WITH them. They do soften, and they are vulnerable and in need of love, reassurance, and kindness. If one looks at these parts/thought processes/memories/impulses/emotions/etc, they become what Shapero states in his prayer. They transform from frightening chaos into "harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being, where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart." Looking at these thought processes/emotions/etc. as parts is a way of organizing a sense of internal chaos and giving each disorganized part compassion and love. Kindness, patience, and compassion are the only things that work. I'll never forget the woman who taught me this simple truth; I'm eternally grateful. If she read this, I am not sure that she would even know that I am referring to her.
Again, I'll return to Tara Brach's: Into the Wilderness. Brach's messages are consistently on point for me. Lately, I've been struggling with a sense of feeling inadequate. Today, when Tara read this Felt Sense Prayer and as I listened, I felt reminded of the deep gratitude that I hold for the voice of inadequacy because at its core, it is a part who feels vulnerable and frightened. Intent on getting my attention because I'm pushing it away, avoiding it. It is there so that I remember to pay attention to my internal experience. It is there so that I can translate its suffering into connectedness and joy.
Tonight I feel inspired by Brach's recitation, and so I wanted to share her Felt Sense Prayer. So, a gift for anyone who might be reading, please enjoy (and thank you)...
Then, Tara talks about the body as a portal into what-is; a portal into the radiance that surrouds us. She talks about how seeking our inner nature mirrors the archetypal process of going into the wilderness. How we wander the internal world and the external world, and that we find the same barriers in both worlds. She means that being present in the external world, that being present with the breeze, that being with sensations that center us can deliver us to our internal sense of eternal-centeredness. Crying can be an advance into the wilderness. A few nights ago, a beautiful friend of mine cried as she thought of the concept of breaking the surface. Her tears following her longing heart. Internal voices desperate for profound self-soothing connection, simultaneously fearful of the process of self-connection. The tension between the different sorts of longing is a poignant sensation; but she sat with it, brave. A compassionate warrior. And she let her tears fall, and I felt grateful for her, and compassion for her. And I knew that her fear, her longing, and her vulnerability-angst were rooted in both her external and internal worlds. I think she is like all of us. I know that she is both poet and poem; in our own ways we are all poets and poems.
But like most poets, we also become those who condemn our poet-ness for not writing the perfect poem; the poem that goes: boom. Big blasting poems. There is a fear that one's inherent poetry and internal eternal-centerness will not be enough. Enough for what? To each his own. Still, we all avoid on account of being fearful that we are not enough. We all run away and the act of running away is never as simple as we can sometimes fool ourselves into believing. It's never really just avoidance. It's almost always a disowning process; a process of dismissing. In IFS work, we have a name for the parts of ourselves to who want to run away: protectors (managers, etc). They are the voices that say: If you do this perfectly, then everything is going to be okay. They are the voices of blame, self-recrimination, and self-deception. They are the voices behind the obscure sensation that something in comparatively wrong with our bodies; they are the voices attempting to sooth something inside of us by saying: You'll be acceptable when.../If only.../And of course...should...SHould...SHOULD! They are also the voice(s) that communicate the Felt Sense Prayer (which I have included in the bottom of this posting; it is originally written by Bob Shapero), which Brach recites at the end of her audio. Beneath the shoulds, they are really saying that they are afraid. They are really saying: I am saying "should" because you are fearful of what will happen if you do not do "___fill in the blank___" or if you do not become "_____." They speak on behalf of what is inside, and their voices point us in the direction of what always has been. A particularly true moment is when Shapero says: "More often than not I am just the most recent notes of a long symphony;" one must acknowledge the symphony and be willing to change the notes along the way. There is no point in waiting and saying, "next time I will challenge the shoulds," now is the time. Following the meal plan later, challenging thoughts later...later doesn't work. Do it right now; be with it right now. All we have is now.
The other side of "should" is allowing oneself to be with what is; allowing what-is to Be. And this Allowingness, allowing what is here to stay here; allowing ourselves to be here with whatever is here, is a concept that is so dear to my tender heart. It is central to eating disorder recovery. Do you know the threatening voices, the ED, the anxiety, the perfectionism, the self-hate...whatever you struggle with...the disconnection, the trauma, the depression, the narcissism, the fear, fear, fear; the things that seem as though they will never subside? These parts will soften if you are willing to BE WITH them. They do soften, and they are vulnerable and in need of love, reassurance, and kindness. If one looks at these parts/thought processes/memories/impulses/emotions/etc, they become what Shapero states in his prayer. They transform from frightening chaos into "harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being, where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart." Looking at these thought processes/emotions/etc. as parts is a way of organizing a sense of internal chaos and giving each disorganized part compassion and love. Kindness, patience, and compassion are the only things that work. I'll never forget the woman who taught me this simple truth; I'm eternally grateful. If she read this, I am not sure that she would even know that I am referring to her.
Again, I'll return to Tara Brach's: Into the Wilderness. Brach's messages are consistently on point for me. Lately, I've been struggling with a sense of feeling inadequate. Today, when Tara read this Felt Sense Prayer and as I listened, I felt reminded of the deep gratitude that I hold for the voice of inadequacy because at its core, it is a part who feels vulnerable and frightened. Intent on getting my attention because I'm pushing it away, avoiding it. It is there so that I remember to pay attention to my internal experience. It is there so that I can translate its suffering into connectedness and joy.
Tonight I feel inspired by Brach's recitation, and so I wanted to share her Felt Sense Prayer. So, a gift for anyone who might be reading, please enjoy (and thank you)...
I am the pain in your head, the knot in your stomach, the unspoken grief in your smile.
I am your high blood sugar, your elevated blood pressure, your fear of challenge, your lack of trust.
I am your hot flashes, your cold hands and feet, your agitation and your fatigue.
I am your shortness of breath, your fragile low back, the cramp in you r neck, the despair in your sigh.
I am the pressure on your heart, the pain down your arm, your bloated abdomen, your constant hunger.
I am where you hurt, the fear that persists, your sadness of dreams unfulfilled.
I am your symptoms, the causes of your concern, the signs of imbalance, your condition of dis-ease.
You tend to disown me, suppress me, ignore me, inflate me, coddle me, condemn me.
I am not coming forth for myself as I am not separate from all that is you.
I come to garner your attention, to enjoin your embrace so I can reveal my secrets.
I have only your best interests at heart as I seek health and wholeness by simply announcing myself.
You usually want me to go away immediately, to disappear, to sleek back into obscurity.
You mostly are irritated or frightened and many times shocked by my arrival.
From this stance you medicate in order to eradicate me.
Ignoring me, not exploring me, is your preferred response.
More times than not I am only the most recent notes of a long symphony, the most evident branches of roots that have been challenged for seasons.
So I implore you, I am a messenger with good news, as disturbing as I can be at times.
I am wanting to guide you back to those tender places in yourself,
the place where you can hold yourself with compassion and honesty.
If you look beyond my appearance you may find that I am a voice from your soul.
Calling to you from places deep within that seek your conscious alignment.
I may ask you to alter your diet, get more sleep, exercise regularly, breathe more consciously.
I might encourage you to see a vaster reality and worry less about the day to day fluctuations of life.
I may ask you to explore the bonds and the wounds of your relationships.
I may remind you to be more generous and expansive or to attend to protecting your heart from insult.
I might have you laugh more, spend more time in nature, eat when you are hungry and less when pained or bored, spend time every day, if only for a few minutes, being still.
Wherever I lead you, my hope is that you will realize that success will not be measured by my eradication, but by the shift in the internal landscape from which I emerge.
I am your friend, not your enemy. I have no desire to bring pain and suffering into your life.
I am simply tugging at your sleeve, too long immune to gentle nudges.
I desire for you to allow me to speak to you in a way that enlivens your higher instincts for self care.
My charge is to energize you to listen to me with the sensitive ear and heart
of a mother attending to her precious baby.
You are a being so vast, so complex, with amazing capacities for self-regulation and healing.
Let me be one of the harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being
where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart.
I am your high blood sugar, your elevated blood pressure, your fear of challenge, your lack of trust.
I am your hot flashes, your cold hands and feet, your agitation and your fatigue.
I am your shortness of breath, your fragile low back, the cramp in you r neck, the despair in your sigh.
I am the pressure on your heart, the pain down your arm, your bloated abdomen, your constant hunger.
I am where you hurt, the fear that persists, your sadness of dreams unfulfilled.
I am your symptoms, the causes of your concern, the signs of imbalance, your condition of dis-ease.
You tend to disown me, suppress me, ignore me, inflate me, coddle me, condemn me.
I am not coming forth for myself as I am not separate from all that is you.
I come to garner your attention, to enjoin your embrace so I can reveal my secrets.
I have only your best interests at heart as I seek health and wholeness by simply announcing myself.
You usually want me to go away immediately, to disappear, to sleek back into obscurity.
You mostly are irritated or frightened and many times shocked by my arrival.
From this stance you medicate in order to eradicate me.
Ignoring me, not exploring me, is your preferred response.
More times than not I am only the most recent notes of a long symphony, the most evident branches of roots that have been challenged for seasons.
So I implore you, I am a messenger with good news, as disturbing as I can be at times.
I am wanting to guide you back to those tender places in yourself,
the place where you can hold yourself with compassion and honesty.
If you look beyond my appearance you may find that I am a voice from your soul.
Calling to you from places deep within that seek your conscious alignment.
I may ask you to alter your diet, get more sleep, exercise regularly, breathe more consciously.
I might encourage you to see a vaster reality and worry less about the day to day fluctuations of life.
I may ask you to explore the bonds and the wounds of your relationships.
I may remind you to be more generous and expansive or to attend to protecting your heart from insult.
I might have you laugh more, spend more time in nature, eat when you are hungry and less when pained or bored, spend time every day, if only for a few minutes, being still.
Wherever I lead you, my hope is that you will realize that success will not be measured by my eradication, but by the shift in the internal landscape from which I emerge.
I am your friend, not your enemy. I have no desire to bring pain and suffering into your life.
I am simply tugging at your sleeve, too long immune to gentle nudges.
I desire for you to allow me to speak to you in a way that enlivens your higher instincts for self care.
My charge is to energize you to listen to me with the sensitive ear and heart
of a mother attending to her precious baby.
You are a being so vast, so complex, with amazing capacities for self-regulation and healing.
Let me be one of the harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being
where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Happiness = Reality - Expectations.
Right now, I'm working on a paper. I'm supposed to watch a film and explain how well the film portrays pathology. For some reason, I am hitting an enormous perfectionistic block. Last week I watched Notes on a Scandal, so I'm going to evaluate its portrayal of Barbara Covett's personality disorder. Notes on a Scandal is a masterful film. It's not entirely fair in its assessment of human behavior (e.g, - sympathizing with a sexual deviant and criminalizing a woman who has a mentally illness. Though, to be fair the former probably has a mental illness too). But, I feel like I have a mental block when it comes to writing about this film. I have felt really stressed out lately and my mind feels exhausted. I'm noticing all of these self-defeating thoughts specific to the paper, such as: how dare you write anything except an exceptional paper when writing about an exceptional film? And: you always write great papers, I don't care if you're exhausted (and that this paper is only 10% of the grade), you should be able to write something great otherwise you are going to feel like a failure because you failed to write a perfect paper. And: are you seriously thinking about cutting yourself a break and just writing your thoughts? Your current thoughts suck because they're not as concise as you want, don't write anything unless it's to your perfectionist's standards. And: you're never going to write anything ever again. It's obvious that you are stupid. You can't even write a paper. How are you supposed to write anything if you can't even write a stupid paper about Notes on a Scandal? And on, And on, And on, And on...
Phew. I mean, first of all. These are all very distorted thoughts. I've got the perfectionism, the polarized (black or white/ all or nothing) thinking, the emotional reasoning (I'm a failure because I feel like one), the catastrophising thoughts (If my 10% of a course paper isn't perfect, then I'm stupid), and the SHOULDS...ooh the shoulds. The shoulds are the the unrelenting expectations.
Someone once said that Happiness = Reality - Expectations. (That someone is Rakesh Sarin and he's written a book called Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life. I'll report on this book later, as I'm not going to acquire it until I read the other 10000s of books that I'm currently reading right now. Hee hee, if you know me...you might laugh too. Nevertheless, the book sounds interesting.) Even though I have all sorts of thoughts about what constitutes reality (conversations about perception), I really like this quote. Reality - Expectations = Happiness. Would I feel happy if I did not have all of these distorted thoughts? Why, yes I think I would. I'd still feel tired. But I wouldn't feel so pressurized. Now, IFS would say that these distorted thoughts come from parts who intend to protect me, another point where I really agree. So, allow me to break it down a little for myself.
So: no need to re-read if you remember these refrains from above, but I'll repeat here because I'm going to give you a translation below:
"how dare you write anything except an exceptional paper when writing about an exceptional film? And: you always write great papers, I don't care if you're exhausted (and that this paper is only 10% of the grade), you should be able to write something great otherwise you are going to feel like a failure because you failed to write a perfect paper. And: are you seriously thinking about cutting yourself a break and just writing your thoughts? Your current thoughts suck because they're not as concise as you want, don't write anything unless its to your perfectionist's standards. And: you're never going to write anything ever again. It's obvious that you are stupid. You can't even write a paper. How are you supposed to write anything if you can't even write a stupid paper about Notes on a Scandal?"
Not so easy for someone to have compassion for self-defeating "mean" thoughts, right? Take a look at the translation = I've noticed that you're struggling with this paper. I feel really insecure about my intelligence because of events in my earlier life. So, I feel the need to prove to myself that I am intelligent. So, sometimes I do things like prove to myself that I am intelligent by writing a good paper. In this instance, I've attached my perception of proof of your intelligence to a paper that you need to write for P&D class. And since you're struggling to write it, I really feel scared that I'm not going to be able to prove to me that you're intelligent. It scares me because it would really hurt if I turn out not to be as intelligent as I've longed to be. I'm constantly scared that I'm going to find out that I'm not smart at all. It's an enormous fear of mine. I'm so scared, so profoundly scared. I try to get you to notice me by yelling my worst fears at you. If I say them before they come true, then I get to hope that you'll compensate for my fears by making sure you do things to increase your intelligence. I feel hurt and angry that I was bullied when I was young and exponential hurt because I grew up holding a role (like so many other individuals) that required that I couldn't express these feelings in the home. So, I use an angry voice because its the only way I know how to get it out.
So, these voices are a little more vulnerable. Its easier to respond to these voices as opposed to being reactionary (which is what I would have done with the former messages; e.g.: react in the form of feeling shame). It's easier to have compassion for these voices. The point is being curious about what the part(s) are really trying to say. So, when I hear a thought that angrily says: "you can't even write a stupid paper about....????" instead of bowing my head and feeling shamed by the part's shaming, I visualize this part of me and speak to it (journal more like). So, the part is just feeling vulnerable. It's scared. Fear is at the root of many imbalanced feelings and thoughts. I'm really sorry that this part of me is hurting. I'm sorry that it's still holding the burden of childhood experiences, and I understand that those things must have really hurt her. The part softens, like a cloud she shifts and I begin to see something a bit more vulnerable. She becomes more willing to be honest and vulnerable as opposed to hurt and defensive. I sit with her. I say I'm sorry. I say I'm here. I'm here with you. Me, I'm here with you. I notice my breathing. I notice the surface I am sitting on, the textures around me, the breeze, the temperature and the scents. I ask the part to be here with me. I ask her to tell me what she needs. I comfort her. She begins to feel comforted. Not because I wanted the thoughts to go away, but because I was willing to be curious about what was going on internally. That I was willing not to judge. It's lovely and it promotes connectedness. I'm forever grateful for those who led me through this process enough times to be able to interact with myself in this way. If you know IFS work, you know that the unburdening process may come after. But, I need a little external help with the unburdening and since I am a very visual person, comforting parts of me through visualization is the way for me.
So, I'm talking about this because these parts function similarly to an eating disorder. An eating disorder voice can take many forms, but often it is rooted in fear and expectations. If I don't do this then...If I do this then...and so on. The parts bring about suffering because they fear that I will not meet the expectations that I have internalized from the world around. They were the way that I made sense of the world. Like all else, they are learned and they worked for a long time. But they're not adaptive any longer. I don't want to suffer any more. Eating disorders are languages and their phrases, sensations and images must to be translated into their more vulnerable truths so that they can be heard and we can offer them authentic attention that they have always deserved. Then, there is a re-storying of what is true (e.g. - that I'm going to write my paper, and everything is going to be okay, and I will treat myself with loving-kindness, and I will not disconnect from myself, and I won't be critical of my paper because it's unnecessary to do so, and it doesn't make sense to manipulate myself into writing a good paper via threatening language because I'm a fine writer and in the end I know that I'll write a more than acceptable paper). In the end, love is received and offered and connectedness happens.
Happiness = Reality - Expectations.
It works here. Right now, it works.
Phew. I mean, first of all. These are all very distorted thoughts. I've got the perfectionism, the polarized (black or white/ all or nothing) thinking, the emotional reasoning (I'm a failure because I feel like one), the catastrophising thoughts (If my 10% of a course paper isn't perfect, then I'm stupid), and the SHOULDS...ooh the shoulds. The shoulds are the the unrelenting expectations.
Someone once said that Happiness = Reality - Expectations. (That someone is Rakesh Sarin and he's written a book called Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life. I'll report on this book later, as I'm not going to acquire it until I read the other 10000s of books that I'm currently reading right now. Hee hee, if you know me...you might laugh too. Nevertheless, the book sounds interesting.) Even though I have all sorts of thoughts about what constitutes reality (conversations about perception), I really like this quote. Reality - Expectations = Happiness. Would I feel happy if I did not have all of these distorted thoughts? Why, yes I think I would. I'd still feel tired. But I wouldn't feel so pressurized. Now, IFS would say that these distorted thoughts come from parts who intend to protect me, another point where I really agree. So, allow me to break it down a little for myself.
So: no need to re-read if you remember these refrains from above, but I'll repeat here because I'm going to give you a translation below:
"how dare you write anything except an exceptional paper when writing about an exceptional film? And: you always write great papers, I don't care if you're exhausted (and that this paper is only 10% of the grade), you should be able to write something great otherwise you are going to feel like a failure because you failed to write a perfect paper. And: are you seriously thinking about cutting yourself a break and just writing your thoughts? Your current thoughts suck because they're not as concise as you want, don't write anything unless its to your perfectionist's standards. And: you're never going to write anything ever again. It's obvious that you are stupid. You can't even write a paper. How are you supposed to write anything if you can't even write a stupid paper about Notes on a Scandal?"
Not so easy for someone to have compassion for self-defeating "mean" thoughts, right? Take a look at the translation = I've noticed that you're struggling with this paper. I feel really insecure about my intelligence because of events in my earlier life. So, I feel the need to prove to myself that I am intelligent. So, sometimes I do things like prove to myself that I am intelligent by writing a good paper. In this instance, I've attached my perception of proof of your intelligence to a paper that you need to write for P&D class. And since you're struggling to write it, I really feel scared that I'm not going to be able to prove to me that you're intelligent. It scares me because it would really hurt if I turn out not to be as intelligent as I've longed to be. I'm constantly scared that I'm going to find out that I'm not smart at all. It's an enormous fear of mine. I'm so scared, so profoundly scared. I try to get you to notice me by yelling my worst fears at you. If I say them before they come true, then I get to hope that you'll compensate for my fears by making sure you do things to increase your intelligence. I feel hurt and angry that I was bullied when I was young and exponential hurt because I grew up holding a role (like so many other individuals) that required that I couldn't express these feelings in the home. So, I use an angry voice because its the only way I know how to get it out.
So, these voices are a little more vulnerable. Its easier to respond to these voices as opposed to being reactionary (which is what I would have done with the former messages; e.g.: react in the form of feeling shame). It's easier to have compassion for these voices. The point is being curious about what the part(s) are really trying to say. So, when I hear a thought that angrily says: "you can't even write a stupid paper about....????" instead of bowing my head and feeling shamed by the part's shaming, I visualize this part of me and speak to it (journal more like). So, the part is just feeling vulnerable. It's scared. Fear is at the root of many imbalanced feelings and thoughts. I'm really sorry that this part of me is hurting. I'm sorry that it's still holding the burden of childhood experiences, and I understand that those things must have really hurt her. The part softens, like a cloud she shifts and I begin to see something a bit more vulnerable. She becomes more willing to be honest and vulnerable as opposed to hurt and defensive. I sit with her. I say I'm sorry. I say I'm here. I'm here with you. Me, I'm here with you. I notice my breathing. I notice the surface I am sitting on, the textures around me, the breeze, the temperature and the scents. I ask the part to be here with me. I ask her to tell me what she needs. I comfort her. She begins to feel comforted. Not because I wanted the thoughts to go away, but because I was willing to be curious about what was going on internally. That I was willing not to judge. It's lovely and it promotes connectedness. I'm forever grateful for those who led me through this process enough times to be able to interact with myself in this way. If you know IFS work, you know that the unburdening process may come after. But, I need a little external help with the unburdening and since I am a very visual person, comforting parts of me through visualization is the way for me.
So, I'm talking about this because these parts function similarly to an eating disorder. An eating disorder voice can take many forms, but often it is rooted in fear and expectations. If I don't do this then...If I do this then...and so on. The parts bring about suffering because they fear that I will not meet the expectations that I have internalized from the world around. They were the way that I made sense of the world. Like all else, they are learned and they worked for a long time. But they're not adaptive any longer. I don't want to suffer any more. Eating disorders are languages and their phrases, sensations and images must to be translated into their more vulnerable truths so that they can be heard and we can offer them authentic attention that they have always deserved. Then, there is a re-storying of what is true (e.g. - that I'm going to write my paper, and everything is going to be okay, and I will treat myself with loving-kindness, and I will not disconnect from myself, and I won't be critical of my paper because it's unnecessary to do so, and it doesn't make sense to manipulate myself into writing a good paper via threatening language because I'm a fine writer and in the end I know that I'll write a more than acceptable paper). In the end, love is received and offered and connectedness happens.
Happiness = Reality - Expectations.
It works here. Right now, it works.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Acknowleding, Inviting, and Nourishing Some Self-led Qualities
On Google+, I joined a group that posts about Internal Family Systems and Compassion. One of the members posted a guided meditation that he created. It's lovely, and so I am sharing it. He does some relaxation and guided visualization with the intention of helping his listeners cultivate a felt sense of internal strength, compassion, wisdom and clarity.
Find the guided meditation here:
http://everettconsidine.com/audio/
I feel grateful for his calm presence and his willingness to freely offer such a wonderful meditation! Thank you, Everett!
Find the guided meditation here:
http://everettconsidine.com/audio/
I feel grateful for his calm presence and his willingness to freely offer such a wonderful meditation! Thank you, Everett!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
What Recovery Looks Like to Me (written: 2/1/12)
When I started this blog, I said that I would post some self-reflective writing from my time in treatment. When I started the blog, I did not realize that parts of me had a secret perfectionistic agenda, which was that part of me wanted to only post past writings in a chronological fashion. Somewhere, I hold the belief that hyper-organization (eg - chronological, alphabetizing, etc.) has the power to make me feel micro-accomplished, safe, and secure. This might sound arbitrary. But it's relevant because any time I notice an internal intention to retain a rigid pattern (eg - chronology :) ), I notice that the intention always protects a fear of being out of control. Part of the process of transforming old patterns into new ones is noticing how embedded the old patterns are (insidious and overt) in the details of our daily lives and thoughts. Now, I am not purporting that it is helpful to be overly analytical about every insidious desire to retain control. In our busy lives, we just don't have the time. We don't need to look under EVERY rock; we don't need to follow the whim of our wild minds all of the time. It's not helpful if the galloping mind lassos us and drags us helter-skelter behind her whispy stallion tail. No, it's must more helpful to have a sense of choice about when to be introspective and when to not be. Not to be in control of the mind, but to have the kind of relationship with the mind where the mind is not in control of you. Actually, a mindfulness practice is extraordinarily helpful with slowing down the mind, noticing what is present, allowing what is to be, and then going back with intentionality instead of compulsivity. Below, I have shared a wonderful introduction to Vipassana (insight/mindfulness meditation) meditation; it is narrated by Tara Brach.
Just a few other pieces of information: Jack Kornfield is one of the best known western teachers of vipassana meditation. THIS IS a link to some of the written meditations on his website. Currently, there is a lovingkindness meditation, a walking meditation (which you could use for my last post!), a sitting meditation, a compassion focused meditation and a forgiveness meditation. They're all quite lovely and I recommend reading them over to bring a bit more tenderness inside.
I digress!! Even compassionately intentioned digressions are digressions...so, ok. Backtrack. I guess this is needless to say, but I will not be posting my past writings in a chronological fashion. Hopefully posting them won't be too confusing, I'll try to give a bit of context each time I post one of them. But, I was doing this meditation (the above video) and for some reason I just thought about a piece of writing I did about what recovery looks like to me.
The following is my agenda from 2/1/12 (When I was in treatment, we called these writings "agendas," so I'll call them agendas from here on out). This was written 10 months after admitting to treatment. I had been in the IOP program for about a month. It's been a year and 7 months since I wrote this agenda. I think that part of my assumption is that at different points in our treatment process, our perception of recovery shifts. So, I thought about revisiting this piece and see if my perception has shifted. Recovery is a labyrinthine process, as is our perception of recovery. Time flies. I'm curious to see if my perceptions have changed.
So, these are all areas that I am working on currently. The process becomes just a bit more simple when I remember that anything that isn't loving acceptance is fear. And I learned how to develop a relationship with myself by going towards my fears. Thanks for reading :)
Just a few other pieces of information: Jack Kornfield is one of the best known western teachers of vipassana meditation. THIS IS a link to some of the written meditations on his website. Currently, there is a lovingkindness meditation, a walking meditation (which you could use for my last post!), a sitting meditation, a compassion focused meditation and a forgiveness meditation. They're all quite lovely and I recommend reading them over to bring a bit more tenderness inside.
I digress!! Even compassionately intentioned digressions are digressions...so, ok. Backtrack. I guess this is needless to say, but I will not be posting my past writings in a chronological fashion. Hopefully posting them won't be too confusing, I'll try to give a bit of context each time I post one of them. But, I was doing this meditation (the above video) and for some reason I just thought about a piece of writing I did about what recovery looks like to me.
The following is my agenda from 2/1/12 (When I was in treatment, we called these writings "agendas," so I'll call them agendas from here on out). This was written 10 months after admitting to treatment. I had been in the IOP program for about a month. It's been a year and 7 months since I wrote this agenda. I think that part of my assumption is that at different points in our treatment process, our perception of recovery shifts. So, I thought about revisiting this piece and see if my perception has shifted. Recovery is a labyrinthine process, as is our perception of recovery. Time flies. I'm curious to see if my perceptions have changed.
What does recovery look
like to me?
I’m not sure that I can
say. From my seat, it looks a little like a shape-shifting black hole, a
simultaneous dream and nightmare. But, I feel grateful for this black hole
because it encompasses all that I have yet to experience. If I were to look
into my future and delineate the contents of my future in recovery, my brain
would only be able to describe some hopeful construct of that which it has experienced
thus far or that which could be theorized based on my perceptions of the world,
the media, what I have read or witnessed in books, in art and so on and so
forth. But what’s important is to note that all of this constructing from perceiving
would exist through the eyes of a woman who has been exceptionally sick. So, I
really have no frame of reference for what recovery will look like and I’m
grateful for that. I don’t want a future constructed from my sick filters. I
want something that else, despite how uncomfortable it feels.
I hope my life in
recovery will look like something that I have never seen before because
everything that I have perceived has seemed exceedingly depressing, anxiety
provoking; I have perceived circumstances concerning alienation, abandonment,
rejection, abuse and general cruelty between human beings but also my own self-recrimination
and loathing. I was brought up to be critical and to break myself down and to
be a perfectionist, and a person who becomes an expert at breaking themselves
down is living to kill herself. So, I was brought up to kill myself and up
until my process at (omitting treatment center name) I had no idea that this was the case. So, how
can you ask me to describe what recovery looks like to me? You’re asking a bird
to describe the natural world when she’s spent her existence living in a cage.
I will do my best to say what recovery looks like to me, but I am stating a
disclaimer that I will be theorizing as I welcome my black hole of a future.
I’m glad I have no frame of reference for what could come. I appreciate the
uncertainty.
What I can do is
delineate some circumstances that I hope I will work towards.
Here is my list…in
recovery:
In terms of my
relationship and food:
-
Until it
becomes unnecessary and only time can tell, I eat according to my meal plan and
remain curious about ways in which my eating disorder may be attempting to
manifest. I respect and listen to my eating disorder’s voice but not collude
with its demands.
-
I remain
curious about my anxieties
-
I do not fear
hunger. I can feed myself.
-
I am not
binging, subjectively binging, purging or restricting. I am not using food to
self-sooth or to avoid emotions.
-
I am not
using water to assuage magical beliefs that it purifies me. My magical thinking
can be used in creative realms, but not in biological realm and not in ways
that adversely affect my health.
-
I am not
exercising to avoid emotions, to punish myself or to punish my body.
-
I live
without knowing my body weight. For me, the seemingly innocuous desire to know
my body weight is an indication that something is seriously wrong.
-
I accept my
body, I am aware of dysmorphia and I love my body just the way it is.
However, my relationship
with food and body will become more peaceful as the following things take root…
So, in recovery…I imagine
that…
-
I believe I
may need to fake it until I make it: I need to live the opposite of my abusive core
beliefs until I can maintain authentic self-love and allow it to saturates
areas that used to house self-hate.
-
I permit
myself to have and hold worthy qualities. I can call myself beautiful, kind,
compassionate, intelligent, loving and lovable without experiencing vicious
self-hating backlash, coming from the core belief/central fear, which is that I
will be abandoned because it is arrogant of me to say nice things about myself.
-
I allow
myself to be as intense as I happen to be without fearing repercussions of
melodrama.
-
I am engaged
in a curious and ongoing process of exploring my body, my sensuality, my
sexuality, my interaction with nature, with food, with other people; and there
are other ways I might have missed, ways in which I respect my body and
experience it with awareness as a sacred vessel that helps me experience and
revel in pleasure. This state is as opposed to sinking into cutting thoughts
that lend me to experience emotional turmoil and to react to myself in a
hateful way.
-
My sexual
trauma has been resolved. So, I am no longer engaging in trauma re-enactment or
other forms of self-harm.
-
I can express
emotions that my life experience trained me to avoid because of the false
belief that they are shameful and disrespectful, such as anger, sadness, and fear;
and even positive emotions, such as love, respect and happiness when intensity
is attached to them. I can accept fluctuating emotions. Furthermore, I am
comfortable with feeling and so welcome all feelings from myself and can
tolerate and welcome all emotions from other people as well.
-
I can
tolerate emotional distress without lashing out at myself.
-
My attachment
trauma has been resolved. I feel securely attached to and grounded within
myself. I believe in myself and my parts believe in me. My parts are securely
attached to me. I am a mother to my internal system; my child parts and
protectors expect unconditional love, kindness and compassion from me. So, I do
not feel imprisoned by their debilitating starvation for love, security and
safety. Instead, I recognize that I am capable of freeing my parts and me from
the debilitation. I am capable of reassuring and encouraging myself. I am
attuned to myself. As a result, I can accept external validation but do not
need it in order to function because I am enough.
-
I can trust
others and have a range of supportive individuals of my choice in my life.
-
I don’t feel
the need to people please or care-take
-
I am an
advocate for myself when other people cross my boundaries.
-
I can express
my needs and wants and validate myself.
-
I can use my
voice, express my thoughts and ask for support and guidance without fear or shame.
-
I can ride
transition
-
I can say no
and mean it
-
I can say yes
and mean it
-
I can
practice patience and awareness
-
I can
recognize that I have worth simply because I am.
-
I can
recognize when an apology is in order so that “I’m sorry” does not come from a
self-hating place, but rather an authentic one.
-
I am aware of
my cognitive distortions
-
I am curious
about what I find myself avoiding and I go towards it.
-
I do not
think that trying to think away my emotions is a solution to emotional
discomfort.
-
I can become
calm and self-sooth when confronted with fears of too much comfort and not
enough comfort.
-
I do not
believe that my happiness depends on living up to perfectionistic standards
-
Urges to
self-harm, self-destruct and suicidal ideation do not plague me.
-
I do not find
comfort in isolating and I see a distinct difference between isolating and
being in solitude.
-
I can give
myself credit for all of the hard work, dedication I have put forth to pull
myself out of an early grave dug by my own fears. I can be happy that I am
finally reaping the benefits of the sowing of the seeds, which had once been experiences
of suffering can be viewed as transformative experiences that caused growth and
enrichment.
-
I sense balance
in my day-to-day existence
-
I have
grieved my losses
Some of these statements
are more attainable than others. Perhaps being aware of the vitality that each
will surely bring into my life will be some way for me to qualify where I exist
in terms of recovery. However, I think that each bullet point exists on its own
grey-scale and so these doings and ways of being will shift in their own range
between the black and the white because nothing in life is completely static.
Some days I may feel awful and others I may feel delight. But, isn’t that the
nature of life and of recovery, that it is inconsistent and feels labyrinthine?
My hope is that recovery will look like surrendering to the tides of life
regardless of the directions that they might pull me. I do not imagine that I will
recognize a climax where I will proclaim I am “most recovered” because my
recovery-process and my life-process are not mutually exclusive. Likewise, I am
sure there will be no point where I will say, “at this moment I am more alive
now than I ever will ever be,” because in recovery and in life I do not desire
to live in a place of comparing; rather, I wish to live in the present moment
as much as my willingness allows me to.
Well, first of all, I remember this girl. She is me, she is hopeful. I mean that I remember me at this point in recovery. As I read it over, I remember writing this piece. I remember trying to construct a future. I thought of the areas that an eating disorder affects, first the food and then the aspects of daily life. Then, I thought: if I had a daughter, what would I want for her? So, I constructed the agenda in that way. If you are in the recovery process, I highly recommend writing this agenda.
The first thing I noticed in re-reading is my comment: "I don’t want a future constructed from my sick filters. I
want something that else, despite how uncomfortable it feels." This stands out because it reminds me of residential treatment. We had these weekly papers called pre-contracts where we were supposed to report and list a few things we were doing well, a few things we were struggling with, a few ideas to counteract the struggle, long term goals (I think I always wrote self-actualization :) haha) and short term goals and then any requests for treatment changes. Something that really helped me in my early treatment process was to continue to reply in the space for requests for treatment changes, something to the effect of: "I have found myself trapped in my own mind, a living hell, and I do not believe that any suggestions I have to make will be coming from a healthy place. Please, for this time of my life, allow me to close off this room for my disease to come in and attempt to make sick decisions for me. I know that I am not yet aware of all of the ways that I mindlessly perpetuate my own disease." Do you understand why I made this decision? I knew that I lived in an internal world that was so chaotic and self-destructive, that I could not formulate a self-compassionate suggestion for my treatment. At face value, it might sound disempowering, but I was so overwhelmed by my eating disorder and self-hatred that I knew I needed to give my power to those individuals who could guide me to learn self-compassionate choice. I needed time for the self-hatred to dissipate before I felt safe making requests. Sometimes, when a person is really sick, the most self-compassionate thing to do (especially in a treatment situation) is to relinquish control over decisions being made for you. I can not express how insanely important it is to surrender. I don't mean to benignly acquiesce. I mean to surrender and to be with the tumultuous fear as it happens, remembering that the fear is there for a reason. It there for many reasons, one of which is to hold on to some semblance of a life that you recognize. But what if the life that you recognize is characterized by a painful subjective experience? Then one must let go of everything. But that's terrifying, right? Yes. It is. For me, it felt like a frightening but hopeful black hole. I remember this time of my treatment process very well. I don't know how to quantify it, it lasted a number of months and it was a time of becoming familiar with the sense of ungroundedness. It was during this time that I had started to equate fear with hope. Fear meant that I was going towards something I had yet to experience, and most often, self-care and authentic self-compassion were parts of that fearful process. So, I welcomed it, sometimes not whole-heartedly, but I was willing to continue to welcome it. Willingness is another ingredient that makes recovery process.
I'm really grateful that I wrote this agenda. I'm also really grateful for reflecting on it. Sometimes I forget that it was only two years ago that I was still really struggling with the food. I was struggling so much more than I am now (I think I'm using that DBT skill comparing, the one I vowed never to use, silly :). At this moment I feel incredibly grateful for the process. Lately, I consistently hear parts of me shaming me for not being further, further, further into recovery. Sometimes I forget the nature of the process and I just want to race forward. The ungroundedness that I talk about still gets me! But, re-reading agendas is a helpful reminder of what is true, of where I came from. Shame is not the way that recovery works.
I say in the end of the agenda, "I
think that each bullet point exists on its own grey-scale and so these doings
and ways of being will shift in their own range between the black and the white
because nothing in life is completely static." Since the time that I wrote this agenda, I have discovered that this is an accurate statement in my experience. In the past two years, I have learned that most of the bullet points have shifted on their own individual grey scales. I could post about each individual bullet point and write about how the experience has shifted within the grey, but I think that would be perfectionistic overkill. The basic take away point is that during times of general human stress (winter blues, holidays, school work, school, school...oh, and school) these bullet-pointed things get harder. They shift in their grey scale and become a bit darker, a bit more foreboding, a bit more difficult to deal with. Some aspects I hardly deal with at all, others I deal with differently on a day to day basis, other days I feel a generalized increased sense of liberation. Perhaps this is what people mean when they say that every day is a little bit different. It's true. But what i have learned is that if I can focus on one area and bring the light of love, curiosity and compassionate presence to one area, that loving-presence touches everything else. It brings a bit of light to everything. Love is incredibly powerful; it's incredibly expansive.
So, this is an important list for me. I thought that I would highlight the areas where I want to bring some re-focusing. Some areas where I have fallen towards the dark side. You see, another aspect of the process is that when one area is dark, it can bring darkness to the lighter areas. But, as I go over the list I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that I feel free in the majority of my bullet points. Still, it's important to re-visit, re-visit and re-visit such a list to bring 1. gratitude for the process and 2. non-shaming curiosity to areas where there is a struggle. So, my current darker stuck-points are:
-
I do not
believe that my happiness depends on living up to perfectionistic standards:
Especially being in school right now, it's really a struggle to not give in to the perfectionistic voice.
-
I do not
think that trying to think away my emotions is a solution to emotional
discomfort.
This is another area of struggle right now. Intellectualizing is one of my main defense mechanisms. As a part of recovery, I have made a committment to be aware of my intellectualizing (meaning thinking around the emotion or thinking about the emotion with the intention of influencing it to go away) and to instead just sit with the emotion. You see, the emotions are in the body, not the mind. We cannot make them go away. They are transient beauties that move though us. Otherworldly creatures. Welcome and human. They deserve to be felt.
-
I am aware of
my cognitive distortions
If I am honest with myself, I can challenge my cognitive distortions with more intentionality.
-
I am curious
about what I find myself avoiding and I go towards it.
Lately, I have been struggling with avoidance, distraction, comparing and numbing.
-
I can
recognize that I have worth simply because I am; I am enough.
Lately, I have been struggling with the belief that I am inadequate.
So, these are all areas that I am working on currently. The process becomes just a bit more simple when I remember that anything that isn't loving acceptance is fear. And I learned how to develop a relationship with myself by going towards my fears. Thanks for reading :)
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