Unblending: Cognitive Defusion

I'm going to share a tool that I used often during my process. 

One way to create internal space between yourself and a thought (either an welcome or unwelcome thought process) is to defuse the thought that causes you to impulsively act and think further self-loathing thoughts. This is a three part process:

1. record: ____(the thought)___

2. record: At this moment, I am aware that a part of me thinks that __(the thought)____ 
* sidenote: using IFS language, like "a part of me" is still affective for non-IFS users. It is synonymous with: an aspect of me, an internal voice I hear, etc.

3. record: At this moment, I am aware that I am witnessing a part of me saying ____(the thought)____. 
* sidenote: if it is beneficial for you to name the part/aspect of you that speaks this sort of thought, then naming it can be helpful: eg - the critical part of me is saying, the eating disorder is saying, the inspired part is saying, and so on and so forth.

This is essentially a way to un-blend and externalize thoughts and defuse the emotional arousal that is caused by the thought. The underlying assumption of this process is that is important to be aware when we are mistaking a part for a whole. Mistaking a part for a whole will quickly invite suffering. Also, it is important to prevent ourselves from merging in with the belief that we live at the mercy of our thoughts and emotions. Our thoughts and emotions bring about impulses and compulsions to act (welcome and unwelcome actions), and this three-part defusion process creates space between the thought, emotion and action (including thought-actions and behavioral-action).

Here is an example:

Context: Lets say for example that I am feeling badly about myself. I notice that the thought that spins through my mind is: I feel inadequate. Here is an important reminder: we often confuse thoughts and emotions by saying: I feel ____thought____. Inadequate is not a feeling, it is a thought that causes us to feel a certain way (ashamed, sad, angry...etc). Differentiating thoughts and emotion is another helpful aspect of cognitive defusion.

Here is an example:

1. (I feel inadequate...reframe:) At this moment, I am aware that I am thinking: I am inadequate.

2. At this moment, I am aware that a part of me is thinking that I am inadequate.
*notice any difference in your relationship (separation from?) to the sense of inadequacy?

3. At this moment, I am aware that I am witnessing a part of me who thinks that I am inadequate.
* again: notice any difference in your relationship to the sense of inadequacy?

So, for a very long time in the residential process, I kept a cognitive defusion notebook with me. I would carry it to meals to separate myself from thoughts. I would carry it to groups, etc. 

In my personal experience, the cognitive defusion process is incredibly helpful because it helps me change my relationship with self-defeating thoughts. Once I carried the journal around for a week or two, diffusing self-loathing thoughts became habitual. After a while, I began to feel more tenderness for self-loathing. Of course, a life-time of self-loathing is not going to shift entirely in a two years, it takes a while. Sure, I still find myself resisting the thoughts, I struggle with acceptance, and I still find myself overwhelmed by discompassionate shoulds. But, most of the time I feel that the self-loathing is welcome. It is welcome because once I externalize it, I feel sad for it, I feel kindness towards it. I find that I want to help it transmute its message into what is true, which is that self-compassion is the only relevant truth when it comes to for self-hatred. 

The result is connection and intimacy with oneself; increasing self-attunement. One is reminded that s/he is the ever-present witness to his/her internal processes. The result of the process is shining the light of presence and awareness on painful thoughts. And when one can authentically shower self-loathing with patience and compassion, it often transforms into a desire for love and connection. More often than not, the voice will become vulnerable and express gratitude because you cared enough about yourself to patiently listen to the thoughts that perpetuate your own suffering.