Happiness = Reality - Expectations.

Right now, I'm working on a paper. I'm supposed to watch a film and explain how well the film portrays pathology. For some reason, I am hitting an enormous perfectionistic block. Last week I watched Notes on a Scandal, so I'm going to evaluate its portrayal of Barbara Covett's personality disorder. Notes on a Scandal is a masterful film. It's not entirely fair in its assessment of human behavior (e.g, - sympathizing with a sexual deviant and criminalizing a woman who has a mentally illness. Though, to be fair the former probably has a mental illness too). But, I feel like I have a mental block when it comes to writing about this film. I have felt really stressed out lately and my mind feels exhausted. I'm noticing all of these self-defeating thoughts specific to the paper, such as: how dare you write anything except an exceptional paper when writing about an exceptional film? And: you always write great papers, I don't care if you're exhausted (and that this paper is only 10% of the grade), you should be able to write something great otherwise you are going to feel like a failure because you failed to write a perfect paper. And: are you seriously thinking about cutting yourself a break and just writing your thoughts? Your current thoughts suck because they're not as concise as you want, don't write anything unless it's to your perfectionist's standards. And: you're never going to write anything ever again. It's obvious that you are stupid. You can't even write a paper. How are you supposed to write anything if you can't even write a stupid paper about Notes on a Scandal? And on, And on, And on, And on...

Phew. I mean, first of all. These are all very distorted thoughts. I've got the perfectionism, the polarized (black or white/ all or nothing) thinking, the emotional reasoning (I'm a failure because I feel like one), the catastrophising thoughts (If my 10% of a course paper isn't perfect, then I'm stupid), and the SHOULDS...ooh the shoulds. The shoulds are the the unrelenting expectations.

Someone once said that Happiness = Reality - Expectations. (That someone is Rakesh Sarin and he's written a book called Engineering Happiness: A New Approach for Building a Joyful Life. I'll report on this book later, as I'm not going to acquire it until I read the other 10000s of books that I'm currently reading right now. Hee hee, if you know me...you might laugh too. Nevertheless, the book sounds interesting.) Even though I have all sorts of thoughts about what constitutes reality (conversations about perception), I really like this quote. Reality - Expectations = Happiness. Would I feel happy if I did not have all of these distorted thoughts? Why, yes I think I would. I'd still feel tired. But I wouldn't feel so pressurized. Now, IFS would say that these distorted thoughts come from parts who intend to protect me, another point where I really agree. So, allow me to break it down a little for myself.

So: no need to re-read if you remember these refrains from above, but I'll repeat here because I'm going to give you a translation below:

"how dare you write anything except an exceptional paper when writing about an exceptional film? And: you always write great papers, I don't care if you're exhausted (and that this paper is only 10% of the grade), you should be able to write something great otherwise you are going to feel like a failure because you failed to write a perfect paper. And: are you seriously thinking about cutting yourself a break and just writing your thoughts? Your current thoughts suck because they're not as concise as you want, don't write anything unless its to your perfectionist's standards. And: you're never going to write anything ever again. It's obvious that you are stupid. You can't even write a paper. How are you supposed to write anything if you can't even write a stupid paper about Notes on a Scandal?"

Not so easy for someone to have compassion for self-defeating "mean" thoughts, right? Take a look at the translation = I've noticed that you're struggling with this paper. I feel really insecure about my intelligence because of events in my earlier life. So, I feel the need to prove to myself that I am intelligent. So, sometimes I do things like prove to myself that I am intelligent by writing a good paper. In this instance, I've attached my perception of proof of your intelligence to a paper that you need to write for P&D class. And since you're struggling to write it, I really feel scared that I'm not going to be able to prove to me that you're intelligent. It scares me because it would really hurt if I turn out not to be as intelligent as I've longed to be. I'm constantly scared that I'm going to find out that I'm not smart at all. It's an enormous fear of mine. I'm so scared, so profoundly scared. I try to get you to notice me by yelling my worst fears at you. If I say them before they come true, then I get to hope that you'll compensate for my fears by making sure you do things to increase your intelligence. I feel hurt and angry that I was bullied when I was young and exponential hurt because I grew up holding a role (like so many other individuals) that required that I couldn't express these feelings in the home. So, I use an angry voice because its the only way I know how to get it out.

So, these voices are a little more vulnerable. Its easier to respond to these voices as opposed to being reactionary (which is what I would have done with the former messages; e.g.: react in the form of feeling shame). It's easier to have compassion for these voices. The point is being curious about what the part(s) are really trying to say. So, when I hear a thought that angrily says: "you can't even write a stupid paper about....????" instead of bowing my head and feeling shamed by the part's shaming, I visualize this part of me and speak to it (journal more like). So, the part is just feeling vulnerable. It's scared. Fear is at the root of many imbalanced feelings and thoughts. I'm really sorry that this part of me is hurting. I'm sorry that it's still holding the burden of childhood experiences, and I understand that those things must have really hurt her. The part softens, like a cloud she shifts and I begin to see something a bit more vulnerable. She becomes more willing to be honest and vulnerable as opposed to hurt and defensive. I sit with her. I say I'm sorry. I say I'm here. I'm here with you. Me, I'm here with you. I notice my breathing. I notice the surface I am sitting on, the textures around me, the breeze, the temperature and the scents. I ask the part to be here with me. I ask her to tell me what she needs. I comfort her. She begins to feel comforted. Not because I wanted the thoughts to go away, but because I was willing to be curious about what was going on internally. That I was willing not to judge. It's lovely and it promotes connectedness. I'm forever grateful for those who led me through this process enough times to be able to interact with myself in this way. If you know IFS work, you know that the unburdening process may come after. But, I need a little external help with the unburdening and since I am a very visual person, comforting parts of me through visualization is the way for me.

So, I'm talking about this because these parts function similarly to an eating disorder. An eating disorder voice can take many forms, but often it is rooted in fear and expectations. If I don't do this then...If I do this then...and so on. The parts bring about suffering because they fear that I will not meet the expectations that I have internalized from the world around. They were the way that I made sense of the world. Like all else, they are learned and they worked for a long time. But they're not adaptive any longer. I don't want to suffer any more. Eating disorders are languages and their phrases, sensations and images must to be translated into their more vulnerable truths so that they can be heard and we can offer them authentic attention that they have always deserved. Then, there is a re-storying of what is true (e.g. - that I'm going to write my paper, and everything is going to be okay, and I will treat myself with loving-kindness, and I will not disconnect from myself, and I won't be critical of my paper because it's unnecessary to do so, and it doesn't make sense to manipulate myself into writing a good paper via threatening language because I'm a fine writer and in the end I know that I'll write a more than acceptable paper). In the end, love is received and offered and connectedness happens.

Happiness = Reality - Expectations.

It works here. Right now, it works.