I hope you feel beautiful today :)

Thoughts about body awareness

When I feel connected and rooted in my Self, I see my body: I can see that my body is crystalized love. It is humanness; stardust. It is vulnerable and resilient. It has more tenacity and strength than I can ever imagine. For 29 years, my heart has continued to beat; my belly and chest have risen and fallen, breathing and dancing the graceful and persistent steps of Life Force. It is life, it lives and it can create life; it regulates itself and adapts so that I can relax into numerous situations that might otherwise feel overwhelming. My body can revel in the gentle caress of a breeze, it can sense the taste and texture of a luscious peach; it can savor the loveliest forms of pleasure. It can run, twist, leap and crawl. I could list each body part I have and offer my gratitude, my toes for balancing me, my thighs for helping me move upstairs, my hips that will one day allow for child-bearing, my chest that protects delicate organs, my skin that is protective, my shoulders that support my arms, my arms that can hug and embrace. My body is the vessel that allows me to explore, to experience and to be. My body is the armor that protects my compassionate warrior-ness and it deserves all of the loving-kindness that my soul can muster. You see, seeing my body is a beautiful experience. It is when judgment sets in that I look instead of see. Knowing the difference between looking at my body and seeing my body has been an enormously important element of my recovery experience. Looking is judgment whereas seeing is awareness of what is true. 

 

Photo by Gregory Colbert

In parts, I look at my body, my parts say: I judge it and I compare. My legs are not as lean as hers. Whose? I don’t know…just somebody’s. My body is not muscular; my body is too muscular. My ankles and feet are not strong enough. My arms are not as slender as hers, my neck not as graceful, and my poor bones must sit covered in my flesh. I feel ashamed of my flesh. I call my flesh fat and I feel ashamed of my body. I want to hide. I feel ashamed of my thighs, breasts and hips. Anything that takes. Toxic shame for anything that feels, anything that consumes, anything that needs. I feel ashamed of my body’s hunger; I feel ashamed of all forms of hunger. My hair does not do what her hair does and my face is not beautiful. I can’t run fast enough or far enough. I cannot jump high enough; I cannot jump, powered by grace. I can only fall. My body does not look like a conduit of life energy; I must look as sluggish as I feel. My flexibility is not acceptable; I am not flexible enough. My skin is pale as compared to hers. Oh, how the list goes on. And it's exhausting. And eating disorder or not, most women go through some form of what I am talking about here. Actually, the most pernicious form of body hate is not even as direct as I have described in this paragraph. I could go on a diatribe about covert body hate and how we ignore it and propel it with our thoughts, conversations and actions: eg - a preference for a certain body type, rules about body movement, bah...I could go on...but I will save it for a time when I feel a bit more diatribe-y. The truth is that anything that resembles judgment and comparing is fear. The bottom line is that when I am disconnected from my Self, parts of me fear my body (And RE: eating disorders, if you look at the last image: notice how much energy lives in the stomach when people self-report where they feel fear in their bodies. Not a coincidence. We know that we feel fear in our bellies, but sometimes we forget to talk about how fear, hunger (lack thereof) and rejection of the body are all interconnected :)

        I’m not sure that the body-judgment ever completely goes away. I think it could, but I'm not attached to the concept that it needs to go away. That's not the say that I'm willing to resign to cruelty. Not a bit!!! I do want to take part in the body-love media in popular-culture, but its more important for me to be authentic to my experience. So, I'm willing to allow body judgement to run its course and learn what my fears are trying to protect me from. I’m only human. However, I have noticed that the more intentional body-awareness I practice, the more that the judgments that belong to my former life are being balanced out by a loving self-led body-seeing voice. Blending looking and seeing is not like mixing the unmixable; it’s not like oil and water. They mix together quite well. Some days I’ll feel a ratio of 70:30 (seeing:judgement); and other days I’ll feel a 30:70. Obviously, the former is my preference. But when the latter occurs, I know that I can practice patience and wait for my judgment to shift. Just because I can sometimes think judgmentally does not mean that the judgements are true. Sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things that I alreayd know, for no other reason than to be reminded of what is truth: compassion. Reminding myself of the truth is the most important thing. Reminding myself that the body is a sacred vessel is the most important thing. Be gentle with the body. Be kind to the body. Listen to the body. Instead of reacting to the body, respond with curiosity. Remember that the body has inherent integrity; it deserves respect. I remind myself of all of these truths.

There’s so much more that I have to say about body image, inhabiting the body, being with the body and the experience of feeling emotions in the body. Eating disorders are emotional disorders; in many ways, a rejection of the body is a rejection of a somatic emotional experience. For instance, anger can make my body feel enormous. Sadness can make me wish my body were a suit I could unzip and crawl away from. Anxiety causes my chest to feel as though its full of tar. Rejecting the body is pushing away these emotional experiences. There are so many ways to respond to somatized emotions. But, for now I'll stop talking about somatic emotional experiences because am encroaching on somatic psychology, etc., which I know very very little about. However, I’m fascinated by emotionality in the body! Actually, if anyone can recommend information on this topic, I would feel grateful!! Just curious :) Thanks!

Image from rom: http://www.emotionallyvague.com/results_02.php

**Q2: How do you feel these emotions in your body? Draw anything you wish.

The answers were overlaid to create an averaging effect. It's interesting to note how people draw around and outside the body and how the method reveals levels of intensity.

Pueblo Verse

"Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. 

And hold on to what you believe, even if it is a truth which stands on its own.

Hold on to what you must do, even it if is a long way from here.

Hold on to life, even when it is easier to let go.

Hold on to my hand, evening when I have gone away from you."

- Pueblo Verse - 

Can be applied in many ways. It is most nourishing for me to think of it as a message to myself from myself.

The power of poignant dance

Lately, I've been very into watching So You Think You Can Dance. I came across this contemporary piece from season 5 and upon watching it 1 time, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 times (you get the idea), I continued to feel that it portrays a poignant relationship that I know all too well. When I looked into the video, I found that the piece was choreographed by Mia Michaels, it is called Addiction, and it won an Emmy. Seeing as eating disorder resembles addiction in many ways, my emotional response makes a lot of sense! Without words, the piece has so much to say about attachment. Parts of me identified with Kayla's role and other protector parts (like the eating disorder) identify with Kupono's role. For too long, this relationship danced within me, it dances within so many of you, and within me it brings up old feelings of longing, despair, and of feeling trapped. The dance convey what I think it often feels like to be struggling within an eating disorder. A question for anyone who conceptualizes their eating disorder through metaphor: if you danced with your eating disorder, what would the dance look like?

I have more thoughts on SYTYCD: A couple nights again, I watched Amy Yakima and Travis Wall dance to a contemporary piece that Wall choreographed to "Wicked Game." It was inspirational and lovely. The first thing that Wall says when the video opens is that the piece is "about the games we play when we are entering a new relationship." In so many ways, recovering from an eating disorder means entering into a new relationship with yourself. We encounter resistance to move away from our old patterns and fear that if we try, we will not make it. There are so many other elements to the relationship. If nothing else, it is a labyrinthine dance about approaching and resisting. I cannot imagine that the dance to recover one's authentic Self is very different from the piece of art that Amy and Travis created when they danced a few nights ago:

Lessons from the sea-otter

Sea otters hold hands while they sleep so they don't drift away from one another. I like how reliance and snuggling are valued in the larger animal kingdom. You see, otters share a wise snuggle because the sub-text of the snuggle is: we connect when we're vulnerable. 

Unlike otters, it's hard for some people to connect when vulnerability is strong (for a variety of reasons). For some, the nourishment is an unequivocally positive and balanced experience; so they don't think twice about holding on. Other people hold on with an anxious grip. Alternatively, many of us avoid human contact when we feel vulnerable. I'm sure that most people use a combination of these methods without even thinking about their actions. 

I’m going to speak to the resisting behavior that I described last because it is the one that I deal with the most in my personal life. Often, for those of us who cope with eating disorder recovery, fear of interpersonal nourishment overrides the human inclination to connect. Why do we fear it? Well, here are some examples: When you have reason to believe that a nourishing feeling will go away, it does not make sense to get used to it. When you don’t understand why the nourishing feeling was not offered to you as a young person, why would you want to go towards it as an adult? When that nourishing something feels foreign because you’re not used to it, then it won’t feel comfortable. Even though it’s considered nourishing, it won’t feel as though it is. Then, you’ll feel like there’s something wrong with you for not feeling nourished by something that is supposed to be inherently nourishing! Do you follow? Here's more: When you’re taught that you’re bad if you cry in the presence of others, than going to treatment and learning to cry in the presence of another person is going to feel like hell. If your life experience has taught you that eating makes you disgusting, out of control, or ___ (fill in the blank)___, then re-learning how to feed yourself is going to feel like absolute hell. That’s why recovery hurts and helps simultaneously. The nourishment doesn’t begin to feel like nourishment until you’re willing to experience the suffering again and again and again, until it becomes emotionally diluted via repetition. In a way, the suffering is a re-experiencing. There was a time in all of our lives (those of us who resist emotional contact) when not having the emotional attunement that we needed began to hurt so badly that we emotionally separated ourselves from the longing. We disowned the longing for nourishment because it hurt too much to have an unrequited desire and need for loving attunement. Among the many ways to describe this emotional exiling, it is an act of anger. It is a rageful and viciously mournful ripping-away from the one who is supposed to nourish us. And s/he was supposed to nourish you. And me. And all of you. You see, the re-feeding and re-connection is a re-experiencing of this separation. It’s painful and it hurts, but it's necessary for evolving away from the eating disorder. It may feel risky. You might sense impending doom, but it is extraordinarily important element of the healing process.

I have been practicing going towards others during times of emotional distraught and I'll be the first one to stand up and say that it’s frightening. I still have a lot to learn from sea otters. I really appreciate their attitudes. They don't distribute rules about emotional vulnerability. They say: Hey buddy, you're unsteady when you sleep and so am I, lets help one another. They’re not afraid that their buddy the sea-otter is going to think that they’re too clingy. There are no judgements. They ask for what they need and they give what they feel like giving. It might take time for those of us resistant humans to feel a sea-otter-esque comfort when connecting with one another during times of emotional vulnerability. It may take white-knuckling-it through a torrential nightmare in order to get there. You’ll hear all of the fears. You’ll hear the old rules. You’ll see memories of longing, loneliness and wretchedness. The key is in these moments, to give yourself compassion even if your mind tells you not to do so. The key is to follow the compassionate discipline, which is to keep moving forwards despite your fears. The key is (perhaps) to visualize a warm light, a light of love, expanding around you and holding you while you re-experience the emotions that are bubbling up from your unbearable past. Once you do this often enough to believe in the compassion you give yourself, you’ll have set a new pattern that you can work with and you won’t ever have to believe in self hatred. You won't have to believe that you are helplessly destined to be disconnected and alone ever again.

Thoughts on Thoughts

I was walking in the park this afternoon and listening to an audio recording by Tara Brach. Lately, I've been listening to her a lot. This particular audio is called True Belonging. 

I became emotional because her subject feels relevant for me at this point in my life. I want to belong and I'm not sure where I belong, which is at time distressing for my parts because I'm not a wandering teenager. I'm in graduate school. Like most students, I'm busy and in debt. I'm looking for a job. Body image ebbs and flows. I'm following a compassionately disciplined practice. This is life. As far as the ED is concerned: I'm following my meal plan, my exercise plan, my practice of yanking myself out of bed when I feel depressed, my meditation practice, breathing, breathing and breathing if panic attacks happen. I'm assertive even to individuals who are not willing to tolerate it. I'm following this, that, this, that and being overwhelmed is never an excuse to use an eating disorder behavior. It just isn't. Shit, sometimes it's really hard. I mean, most of the time it is beautiful and free and I feel one with the trees that sway to the sweet rhythm of life. But sometimes its just fucking hard. Brach's True Belonging is relevant because at times, I still feel pain from my parts. I still into a low-grade fear of non-acceptance; a fear of rejection; a fear of not living up to my potential. Essentially, there is a fear of trusting that my natural beingness is enough. In many ways, I think that this is what the first few years of recovery looks like. I mean tolerating uncertainty.

Brach asks her listeners to consider how much time they spend during the day attempting to feel better about themselves. Further, what do you do to try to feel better about yourself? I realized that I spend a lot of time trying to feel good about myself. I think as humans this is something that we just do, whether we are aware of it or not. We do it even when "feeling better" is not necessarily the intention. All of the doings. All of the things that we do every day. The way we dress, the way we work, what we talk about, what we choose to eat (or not to eat). These choices. Who we speak to and what we speak about. Comparison. Positive self-judgement. Lots of good things. Even following the meal plan. It’s not bad to do any of these things, but it is helpful to be honest with ourselves about why we make the choices that we made. Sure, we might not be thinking, "oh, I'm going to go ahead and do such and such thing so that I feel good, or so I feel like a better human being." But it’s still seeking. It’s just passive seeking. So there's no explicit agenda, and it’s not a major thing. It’s not as though any of these doings will ever disappear (and I'm not saying that they should!); so, why be aware? I mean, we can always rely on them being present to bring us happiness, right? Well, what would it be like to imagine that these things, the things that we have reason to believe will always be there for us to choose, what if they were not in place? Could we, would we be willing to swim in our natural human goodness? Would we feel in touch with “basic goodness” or would we tap into the more common perception of “basic badness?” Just curious. 

And Brach, she asks us to think: what are you doing and thinking RIGHT NOW that is causing you to think that you need something to feel better about yourself, or just to feel good at all? Why is it important for you to feel good? I forget exactly how she phrased it, but the gist of the message was: what are you avoiding that gives “feeling good” such an allure (as opposed to acceptance of whatever is happening)? Do you understand the difference between seeking feeling good and acceptance of what is? And then I heard my sweet parts: well of course I want to feel good, why wouldn’t I want to feel good…oh, well I guess sometimes I seek to feel good because I don’t feel like I am allowed to not feel good. I just shouldn’t. Or, it might be because of expectations. Also comparing: so and so feels good and I want to feel good too. Or, so and so feels good and her attitude is perceived as “good” to others, so I want to do that. Or, so and so feels bad and her attitude is perceived as being “bad” by others, so I don’t want to feel bad like him/her. I mean, all of those things are attachment related. Is the desire to race towards feeling good, the desire to shift away from whatever IS, is it commonly an attachment strategy? Or not caring, is that a symptom of dismissiveness? I’m just thinking out loud here. I do think that sometimes allowing yourself to feel the unpleasantness that sometimes flows through us (especially during ED recovery) is the self-compassionate thing to do. To not run away. So, the last thought that rose from my mind, the thought that responded to the question: why is it important for me to feel good right now turned out to be: because I had (have?/had?/have?/had?) an eating disorder. Wow, I felt surprised when this happened. I thought I had moved past my shame for having been in an eating disorder for so long. 

Then I remember: sometimes I experience shame in an incredibly passive way. Mindlessly, I think of the energy that I channeled into avoiding my fears. Sometimes I day dream: what if that energy had been used for something different? What would I be doing right now? Would I be more successful? Would I be happier? This is such a slight and pernicious thought processes. I know it seems like it happens step by step in the way that I am describing it. But it actually simply feels like just me imagining myself as different from who I am and what I am currently doing in my life. Just pictures, sounds, ideas. Can you relate? Me as a painter having a show. Me as a dancer. Me as a writer. Me having my own business. It doesn’t seem powerful, but it is significant because the message is: anything except for 29-year-old me navigating my internal world. Plus, these sorts of thoughts can cause unnecessary jealousy, comparison, self-loathing and dissatisfaction. These things come from shame. The thoughts are day dreams and are passive self-directed resentment that my eating disorder caused other people to feel uncomfortable. The wondering about the parts of me that debilitated me from achieving. But even there, that’s separating me from these aspects. I am them and they are me. And achieving just for the sake of achieving never feels nourishing. As I reflect, I think about how it can be dangerous when imagination takes the form of shame. I wonder how common it is to travel into this sort of mindless state of insidious self-loathing. It’s not an obvious, high-grade, super-intense self-hating voice. It’s just this low-grade: “Oh (sigh), I felt ashamed for so long and what if it had been different, would that have been preferable? I wish it could have been different.” That’s shame. That’s not empowerment. That’s shame. I think it takes something to notice that this is shame. Reminders to hang a question mark on the thoughts that we take for granted. Otherwise they might just float around inside with shame in their bellies. Kernels of shame that are simply not necessary.

So, in terms of shame being unnecessary, I'll digress a bit: I want to talk about disclosing a past disorder at a time that disclosing is appropriate. Here are some thoughts I’ve been having lately. I don’t want to speak out because I feel ashamed and want the shaming to go away. I have been able to find a place of peace even in a world that is shaming. But, I still want our culture to be aware that it stigmatizes mental illness, I still want culture to work on understanding that the stigma is unwarrented. There’s an Us – Them. I’m in grad school for counseling and sometimes I just feel like I’m in this no-mans land. There’s the us and the them and I’ve landed in between. Just tonight a professor was talking about “remembering that they are human beings.” She meant to be compassionate, but what is with this: they? And what kind of graduate student in the counseling sphere would consider a mentally ill person not a human being? I guess this Us-Them its more prevalent than I expected. I’m sure that there are many individuals in no-mans land; still, to vent: I’m sick of exspending my energy avoiding judgmental land-mines. No one’s forcing me to disclose; and feeling judged is often my own stuff and sometimes its not.  It just feels incredibly vulnerable to be willing to not hide in a professional context when you have personal experiencing with mental illness. I mean, I know that bias is inevitable. I don’t think bias is bad. It will always happen because that's the way that the brain works. We’re human, we label things and so brains have bias. But, it seems to me that professional counseling would be a sphere where professionals are self-aware enough that they know that even if they have a bias against mental illness, they know that such a bias is no longer an acceptable perception. Shouldn’t they know that judging a person for a history of mental illness is a failure to witness the individual's beingness, which is no different from the counselor's beingness? The very beingness that all humans share? No person is better than another person. No person is higher or more elevated. I’ve been surprised by professionals in school who state things like: Oh, I wouldn’t be so open about that. I mean, it’s not as though I’m spewing naked details about my family history, my foundational social-emotional hurt, or my adolescent existential angst. I’m just saying in a semi-private and professional arena (and I’m not talking about self-disclosing with clients) that I used to engage in pathological behavior. I used to have (had?/have?) an eating disorder. Shit, man. Often, the feedback message is: watch out, you might be judged. My response: How can you say that I should be careful? Should a divorce lawyer be careful about admitting that s/he had been through a divorce? Should a real estate lawyer be careful about admitting that s/he purchased a home? Why is the latter the most innocuous; could it have to do with the former two alluding to emotional vulnerability? Americans are so scared of emotional vulnerability and loss of control. It makes me very sad. Women are paragons of emotional energy; it’s a part of our beingness and its nothing to be ashamed of. It's inherently creative. It's inherently compassionate. It's inherently Self. Not just emotional women, but all women. Many of us simply are driven by emotions. Ok - Not all, but lots. Moon-children. Cyclic and nurturing. Curvaceous, life giving and EMOTIONAL. There's so much more. You see, I think that on many levels, denying struggles with emotionality is denying aspects of ourselves. Acting on behalf of the fear to admit that we hurt our bodies for attachment and cultural acceptance is denying womanhood, personhood and denying the journey of connecting to innate beingness. I'm not suggesting that we blab or that we speak as an attachment strategy. No, not at all. I promote humbleness! Self is humble. Just not acting on behalf of fear. Just not squashing. Instead: recognizing, compassionately challenging marginalizing forces and at the end of it all, just being...free of shame, just being...free of shaming, breathing...and free of shame, just being, breathing and being.

Internal Family System's Model (IFS)

I'll be referencing Dr. Dick Schwartz's IFS model by talking about parts :) 

Exiles, Managers and Firefighters can all have eating disorder energy. The behaviors typically come from Managers and Firefighters. Speaking with these parts is a wonderful way to communicate with oneself with curiosity, compassionate and many of the other characteristics of Self. 

Following is a helpful video about the IFS personality system, which Derek Scott (a psychotherapist and IFS therapist who posts various informational videos online) posted to his YouTube account, click here

Mindfulness Meal Card!

I've used this card for over two years now. I can't believe its still around! I recommend making one. Even if you don't have an eating disorder. Mindful eating is a kind way to nourish yourself.

 

Children believe what they are told

Not all eating disorders begin in the same way or for the same reasons. Causal features are difficult to pin down. But often, we carry the overt and covert messages that we absorb from individuals who make up our various cultures: our families, friends of the family, our teachers, our siblings, and our friends. Really any social/emotional relationship can alter our perception of ourselves. Of course, temperament and gene expression make a difference. Still, if relationships mirror loathing back to a person (especially during formative years), then that person will see a loathsome reflection. 

I think that it's fair to say if we loved ourselves unconditionally (and I am not talking about narcissism), then we would not harm ourselves. Self-hatred is learned, it can be terribly insidious and it is a factor that underlies eating disorders. Many individuals who have an eating disorder have an internal child who is not so different from the one portrayed in the following video.

Embracing Hunger

I like this quote:

 

"Every hunger should be met with curiosity and welcome, there’s wisdom there, even if we have to peel back a few layers to get to what’s underneath." - Rachel Cole

In many eating disorder communities and in the world at large, hunger is conveyed as such a dirty word. In American culture, it recalls the concept of control and fear of losing control. Often for individuals struggling with an eating disorder, it feels threatening. Sometimes it feels threatening because it reminds us that we have needs; accepting needs is often difficult for people who struggle with eating disorders. I remember when the concept of needs felt threatening and frightening for me to discuss. The concept of hunger haunted me. As I reflect, I am aware that this is an incredibly sad experience for anyone in the eating disorder community (or any person at all) because they do not accept hunger for what it is: it is a biological and poetic loveliness that reminds us of our vulnerability. How would you define hunger? What do you think of vulnerability? Hunger recalls our interconnectedness. It reminds us that we have a symbiotic nourishing relationship with one another and with the natural world. We feed each other in a multitude of ways. Ducks and squirrels are not ashamed of their hunger. Flowers and trees are not ashamed of needing sun and water; food. As far as we know, dolphins are not ashamed of pleasure. Why are humans ashamed of a burger? Why do humans say, “well, I’ve been good this week” or “well, I’m on vacation”….”so I’ll treat myself to such and such food item.” Or, "I never go back for seconds," or "I only eat this or that or the other thing." What do goodness or vacation have to do with feeding yourself something you have an appetite to eat? If you are honest with yourself, if eating whole foods makes you feel like a more whole person, then what are you really needing? Why announce your food choices? Do we ever spend time asking ourselves why we make these seemingly innocuous statements and decisions? What is their function?

Embrace it

Love Letters and Comments on Compassion

Offering up a little tool that I use sometimes in order to learn more about myself: Write a compassionate love letter to yourself.

Afterwards, I notice internal reactions: Is there an internal conversation about the kindness being unwarranted? A voice that says: Without criticism, how will you improve? Or: This is a stupid exercise. You might hear: What if everything falls apart if I am not critical with myself? From the eating disorder perspective, there is: if I accept my body, then I won't be motivated to change it (the belief being that the body should be something other than what it is, that it should be changed), or I won't feel in control if I'm not critical of my body, or I can't imagine living a life where I don't attempt to use my body to protect me from the world (or any version of body-related fear). These messages are cries from within. The secret language, the translation is: I am in pain, please give me compassion even though I don't believe I deserve compassion. You want compassion because you're human. And if you won't give yourself compassion because it feels too impossible, and when body image is really bad, and the ground beneath you is falling to pieces, the best thing to do is to sit down, breathe in, breathe out, close your eyes, follow your breath and validate the fact that fear is going through you. Remembering that fear is transitory.

From my vantage point, self-criticism is incredibly common. Eating disorder and otherwise. Many people are ashamed of having self-compassion. They're ashamed of dappling with it. You're more approachable if you show self-loathing. You're arrogant if you don't put yourself down. I really wish that our culture did not function from such a self-hating perspective. Perhaps it doesn't and I'm just biased. But it is my opinion that Western popular culture is tremendously self-loathing. Still, it is possible to be compassionate with oneself despite cultural messages. It just takes courage. We all have the courage to channel compassion and I wish we would channel this loving energy.

When it comes to pernicious self-directed put-downs, the outcome may be devastating. On some unconscious level, we think we're just inoculating ourselves with criticism so that if and when the REAL external denigration comes along, it will not hurt quite so badly. But the protective system doesn't work; self-hate doesn't protect us from external criticisms, it just makes the external criticism seem familiar so that in the long run, we're less apt to notice that we don't deserve hate. We deserve love. The process is obviously much more emotionally complex than I can put words to. It comes on quickly, it's heavy and it doesn't seem tolerable. There's so much more I have to say about this. Prehaps this blog will continue to help me challenge my perfectionism. I have a friend who said that it might do so. Feeling the perfectionistic anxiety right now, my dear!! So, yes: Writing a love letter to yourself and reflecting might help you discern self-critical thoughts. Hang a question mark over the critical beliefs you have about yourself, especially the ones that you are SURE need to be criticised. Just question what would happen if love and acceptance (ACCEPTANCE and not resignation...more on that later) replaced that low-grade sense of self-rejection. You're allowed to say that you accept yourself just as you are.
 

Like I said earlier, the pernicious messages flow so often through our minds that they begin to look normal. We become accustomed to them. They are comforting in their familiarity. Thoughts such as: "You should have done this, you shouldn't have done that," these are the sorts of messages that are socialized into our minds. Frequently, compassion is labelled "coddling," but it's the farthest thing from coddling. Self-compassion does not mean self-pity and it isn't wimpy. Actually, it's hard to be kind to yourself in a world that compels you to put yourself down. It's hard to "fit in" when you're not denigrating yourself in front of others. The messages are all over the place! Specifically from a body-image/eating disorder perspective, these are some messages: you open Vouge and the message is that you're inadequate, exercise all the time, never eat this, always eat that, don't do this thing, do this other thing, wear this, don't wear that, you'll be more interesting if you do this and less interesting if you do that. The adolescent me was completely absorbed by these aspects of popular culture. I was dying to fit in for a multitude of reasons that I will not describe right now. So, we denigrate ourselves and misinterpret the denigration as humbleness. They are not the same thing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the role that self-compassion plays in combating self-loathing. I wish there were a Federal holiday for celebrating self-compassion. We could all breathe and smile and laugh.

So, can you be kind to yourself despite living in a world that contests the importance of self-loathing? Can you feed yourself despite living in a culture that puts restriction and limiting the female form on a pedastal? It takes courage. You can. I'm going at it. Often, it's a struggle to challenge the self-criticism. (note: Have you thought about from where the voice of your self-criticism hails? I learned to criticize myself at a young age (more on that later). It's helpful to discern these sorts of things. It takes willingness to go against fears of external judgement, it takes guts to go up against internalized self-judgment. It's important to remember that fears of external judgemnet are only predictions. You may have evidence that your prediction will come true. But can not be certain. You can create your own prediction. When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Do you know what I mean? You'll find it if you fear it enough to look for it. This is why body image is such a pernicious aspect of eating disorder recovery. What you look at and judge is not there. You are not all of the negative things that your mind tells you to think about yourself. You are an incarnation of Love. Write yourself a love letter. Get curious. Be willing.

I only need to know what I know

Right now, I only need to know what I know. I don't need to know what I don't know. Part of the stress of grad school is the core belief that I'm supposed to know everything (and I'm supposed to shame myself for not knowing everything). Almost all the time, I feel as though I am expected to know things that I don't know. It's as though I'm operating under this umbrella of "shoulds," which I know we are all familiar with. But these particular shoulds are about knowing information that I don't know. For instance, while reading this weeks DSM installment, I heard: "You just read that paragraph, why can't you remember what you just read? Can you explain it? Explain it. You're wasting time. You don't know it? You can't not know it. You just read a paragraph on it. You're supposed to be an expert on it. You'll feel better about yourself if you're an expect on it. How are you going to make sure that you know all of these things that you don't know??!!!!" AHHH...okay, so the basic core belief from my internal system is as follows: You are supposed to know what you do not know. My goodness, the shoulds! The shouldn'ts and the shoulds! 

This is the truth: I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. Predicting external expectations does nothing to help me; it simply brings up anxiety. I am allowed to be free of these stories about shoulds. Further, intellectual understanding about this concept does not sooth my anxiety in the way that my anxious parts need soothed. I am allowed to breathe in, breathe out and let go. I am allowed to imagine a glowing figure of Love, embracing me and reminding me that all of the love I need in the world will emanate towards me from within my own self. breathe in, breathe out.

Introduction

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way."

- Isak Dinesen -

I have come here to blog and share about my process out of an eating disorder and towards a compassionate relationship with all aspects that make me, Me. I entered the process of eating disorder recovery on May 5, 2011. I have been free of eating disorder behavior for about two years. This is not long in the grand scheme of my goals. My goals are: to continue evolving with unadulterated self-honesty and loving-kindness, to follow the path of eternal compassionate liberation from the binds of suffering and fear. To free myself from American popular culture's claws, and to attain freedom from the expectations and limitations that American culture places on women. Finally, to accept myself, and to embrace myself and all of my imperfections. I have more goals and like all beings, I have a journey ahead and a ways to go. Despite the long road before me, my current life experience is extraordinarily different as compared to just a few years ago. I am not drowning in a 20 year battle with eating disorder behavior. Thus far, recovering from an eating disorder has been the most arduous and frightening yet nourishing and meaningful experience of my life. So, I hope this blog can be a space for me to give back to the universe that has bestowed awareness, presence, compassion and joy back into my life.

A few months back, my sister chuckled, “I love how you have real-people problems now.” In many ways, she’s right on. But I must add my value of not becoming complacent in eating disorder recovery; it is important to me to continue to hang a question mark on the beliefs that underlie my actions, beliefs that could potentially invite self-loathing into my world. I will never forget the undiluted wisdom that seeped out of a certain peer I knew in treatment when she stated a realization that she had experienced about her recovery: "I realize that my eating disorder lives and breathes in the little things that I think don't matter." I am eternally grateful for her remark, I think it is profound and I think of it often. Needless to say, my recovery is exceptionally strong. I am no longer plagued by anxious thoughts about the eating disorder. I no longer want to lose weight (if you have an eating disorder, you may know how incredibly impossible this feels. It happens and I will write more about it later.) I do not have restricting on a pedestal, I do not live in fear of binging and purging; I no longer use any of these painful behaviors. Occasionally, I hear the voices that compel me to want to avoid food, lose weight, or change my body in some way. Passive thoughts that need compassionate and curious attention. I have space between myself from these parts of me and speak to them from a curious and self-led stance (more on IFS later).  
For the most part, I have made peace with the food. I not longer feel gripped with fear when food is present. You may or may not know that it's not about the food, it's totally about the food, its not about the food. More on this later. But for now, learning to feed my body with compassionate intention has been an incredible feat for me. In addition, I find that as time goes on, I judge my body less and less. I believe that this gift of recovery is the result of the professionals at the treatment center that I attended, my self-compassionate discipline, my personal devotion to recovery, my willingness, my tenacity and my caring support system. 

Everything I have disclosed thus far is not to say that I do not have struggles with the factors that influence my eating disorder. Like many, I struggle with being present. Often, I fear judgment before I redirect myself. Often, I wish to race after certainty and security before I remember that they are socially constructed concepts that encourage humans to think about the future. They will not materialize if I seek them. They are only there for me if and when I am present. They are not objectives; they are always right here, right now. Like most minds, my mind always wants to think about the past and the future. It wants to race in circles in a misguided attempt to protect me. Since rising out of the eating disorder, I have devoted myself to the cultivation of self-awareness, compassion, and loving-kindness. 

I am opening this blog in order to talk about some of the most meaningful and transformative experiences in my process. In a way, I hope that if I write about what worked for me, it might help just one other person. I also note that recovery happens every moment, in every decision and in bringing the light of presence to every moment, I intend to post my inspiration, the texts, poems and thoughts that reinforce my sense of connectedness. I also intend to write about the thoughts, encounters and struggles that characterize my ongoing process. In many ways, the conventions that allow a person to recover from an eating disorder are relevant to the greater population. Many people struggle with self-hatred, perfectionism, incessant seeking, unflinching avoidance, self-criticism, harmful attachment, toxic shame, unresolved trauma, fear, sadness, grief, disintegration, unwillingness, a sense of undeservingness, generalized anxiety, panic and emotional dysregulation (the list could go on). On some level, who doesn’t cope with at least a few of these struggles? I did, I do. Like you, I’m working on it and I’m here to talk about it. This blog is about self-disclosure, and of course it makes me feel a bit hesitant and vulnerable. But, I wonder if perhaps it would help others (and me) if I speak out anyway? I guess we’ll just wait and see, if so: that’s great, if not, that’s okay too. Patience and compassion are the only things that work; a wise and brilliant woman I know told me this, and she’s right. 

To add, I am a graduate student in clinical counseling. I’m sure that my blog will reflect a multitude of my opinions. I want to be clear that unless otherwise stated, my opinions are based on personal experience and not in scientific literature. Also, I am not yet a licensed counselor. So, if anyone asks me any questions, please know that your answers are coming not from information backed by scientific fact, but from a woman’s personal experience.

* Important side note:  If you know me personally, you have my promise to protect your confidentiality. I will not discuss you unless you speak to me and want me to do so! If I discuss any interactions that I have with friends, you will be friend, acquaintance, woman, man, girl, boy, peer, sister, or simply person…terminally anonymous, I promise.