Thoughts about body awareness

When I feel connected and rooted in my Self, I see my body: I can see that my body is crystalized love. It is humanness; stardust. It is vulnerable and resilient. It has more tenacity and strength than I can ever imagine. For 29 years, my heart has continued to beat; my belly and chest have risen and fallen, breathing and dancing the graceful and persistent steps of Life Force. It is life, it lives and it can create life; it regulates itself and adapts so that I can relax into numerous situations that might otherwise feel overwhelming. My body can revel in the gentle caress of a breeze, it can sense the taste and texture of a luscious peach; it can savor the loveliest forms of pleasure. It can run, twist, leap and crawl. I could list each body part I have and offer my gratitude, my toes for balancing me, my thighs for helping me move upstairs, my hips that will one day allow for child-bearing, my chest that protects delicate organs, my skin that is protective, my shoulders that support my arms, my arms that can hug and embrace. My body is the vessel that allows me to explore, to experience and to be. My body is the armor that protects my compassionate warrior-ness and it deserves all of the loving-kindness that my soul can muster. You see, seeing my body is a beautiful experience. It is when judgment sets in that I look instead of see. Knowing the difference between looking at my body and seeing my body has been an enormously important element of my recovery experience. Looking is judgment whereas seeing is awareness of what is true. 

 

Photo by Gregory Colbert

In parts, I look at my body, my parts say: I judge it and I compare. My legs are not as lean as hers. Whose? I don’t know…just somebody’s. My body is not muscular; my body is too muscular. My ankles and feet are not strong enough. My arms are not as slender as hers, my neck not as graceful, and my poor bones must sit covered in my flesh. I feel ashamed of my flesh. I call my flesh fat and I feel ashamed of my body. I want to hide. I feel ashamed of my thighs, breasts and hips. Anything that takes. Toxic shame for anything that feels, anything that consumes, anything that needs. I feel ashamed of my body’s hunger; I feel ashamed of all forms of hunger. My hair does not do what her hair does and my face is not beautiful. I can’t run fast enough or far enough. I cannot jump high enough; I cannot jump, powered by grace. I can only fall. My body does not look like a conduit of life energy; I must look as sluggish as I feel. My flexibility is not acceptable; I am not flexible enough. My skin is pale as compared to hers. Oh, how the list goes on. And it's exhausting. And eating disorder or not, most women go through some form of what I am talking about here. Actually, the most pernicious form of body hate is not even as direct as I have described in this paragraph. I could go on a diatribe about covert body hate and how we ignore it and propel it with our thoughts, conversations and actions: eg - a preference for a certain body type, rules about body movement, bah...I could go on...but I will save it for a time when I feel a bit more diatribe-y. The truth is that anything that resembles judgment and comparing is fear. The bottom line is that when I am disconnected from my Self, parts of me fear my body (And RE: eating disorders, if you look at the last image: notice how much energy lives in the stomach when people self-report where they feel fear in their bodies. Not a coincidence. We know that we feel fear in our bellies, but sometimes we forget to talk about how fear, hunger (lack thereof) and rejection of the body are all interconnected :)

        I’m not sure that the body-judgment ever completely goes away. I think it could, but I'm not attached to the concept that it needs to go away. That's not the say that I'm willing to resign to cruelty. Not a bit!!! I do want to take part in the body-love media in popular-culture, but its more important for me to be authentic to my experience. So, I'm willing to allow body judgement to run its course and learn what my fears are trying to protect me from. I’m only human. However, I have noticed that the more intentional body-awareness I practice, the more that the judgments that belong to my former life are being balanced out by a loving self-led body-seeing voice. Blending looking and seeing is not like mixing the unmixable; it’s not like oil and water. They mix together quite well. Some days I’ll feel a ratio of 70:30 (seeing:judgement); and other days I’ll feel a 30:70. Obviously, the former is my preference. But when the latter occurs, I know that I can practice patience and wait for my judgment to shift. Just because I can sometimes think judgmentally does not mean that the judgements are true. Sometimes it’s helpful to be reminded of the things that I alreayd know, for no other reason than to be reminded of what is truth: compassion. Reminding myself of the truth is the most important thing. Reminding myself that the body is a sacred vessel is the most important thing. Be gentle with the body. Be kind to the body. Listen to the body. Instead of reacting to the body, respond with curiosity. Remember that the body has inherent integrity; it deserves respect. I remind myself of all of these truths.

There’s so much more that I have to say about body image, inhabiting the body, being with the body and the experience of feeling emotions in the body. Eating disorders are emotional disorders; in many ways, a rejection of the body is a rejection of a somatic emotional experience. For instance, anger can make my body feel enormous. Sadness can make me wish my body were a suit I could unzip and crawl away from. Anxiety causes my chest to feel as though its full of tar. Rejecting the body is pushing away these emotional experiences. There are so many ways to respond to somatized emotions. But, for now I'll stop talking about somatic emotional experiences because am encroaching on somatic psychology, etc., which I know very very little about. However, I’m fascinated by emotionality in the body! Actually, if anyone can recommend information on this topic, I would feel grateful!! Just curious :) Thanks!

Image from rom: http://www.emotionallyvague.com/results_02.php

**Q2: How do you feel these emotions in your body? Draw anything you wish.

The answers were overlaid to create an averaging effect. It's interesting to note how people draw around and outside the body and how the method reveals levels of intensity.