Offering up a little tool that I use sometimes in order to learn more about myself: Write a compassionate love letter to yourself.
Afterwards, I notice internal reactions: Is there an internal conversation about the kindness being unwarranted? A voice that says: Without criticism, how will you improve? Or: This is a stupid exercise. You might hear: What if everything falls apart if I am not critical with myself? From the eating disorder perspective, there is: if I accept my body, then I won't be motivated to change it (the belief being that the body should be something other than what it is, that it should be changed), or I won't feel in control if I'm not critical of my body, or I can't imagine living a life where I don't attempt to use my body to protect me from the world (or any version of body-related fear). These messages are cries from within. The secret language, the translation is: I am in pain, please give me compassion even though I don't believe I deserve compassion. You want compassion because you're human. And if you won't give yourself compassion because it feels too impossible, and when body image is really bad, and the ground beneath you is falling to pieces, the best thing to do is to sit down, breathe in, breathe out, close your eyes, follow your breath and validate the fact that fear is going through you. Remembering that fear is transitory.
From my vantage point, self-criticism is incredibly common. Eating disorder and otherwise. Many people are ashamed of having self-compassion. They're ashamed of dappling with it. You're more approachable if you show self-loathing. You're arrogant if you don't put yourself down. I really wish that our culture did not function from such a self-hating perspective. Perhaps it doesn't and I'm just biased. But it is my opinion that Western popular culture is tremendously self-loathing. Still, it is possible to be compassionate with oneself despite cultural messages. It just takes courage. We all have the courage to channel compassion and I wish we would channel this loving energy.
When it comes to pernicious self-directed put-downs, the outcome may be devastating. On some unconscious level, we think we're just inoculating ourselves with criticism so that if and when the REAL external denigration comes along, it will not hurt quite so badly. But the protective system doesn't work; self-hate doesn't protect us from external criticisms, it just makes the external criticism seem familiar so that in the long run, we're less apt to notice that we don't deserve hate. We deserve love. The process is obviously much more emotionally complex than I can put words to. It comes on quickly, it's heavy and it doesn't seem tolerable. There's so much more I have to say about this. Prehaps this blog will continue to help me challenge my perfectionism. I have a friend who said that it might do so. Feeling the perfectionistic anxiety right now, my dear!! So, yes: Writing a love letter to yourself and reflecting might help you discern self-critical thoughts. Hang a question mark over the critical beliefs you have about yourself, especially the ones that you are SURE need to be criticised. Just question what would happen if love and acceptance (ACCEPTANCE and not resignation...more on that later) replaced that low-grade sense of self-rejection. You're allowed to say that you accept yourself just as you are.
Like I said earlier, the pernicious messages flow so often through our minds that they begin to look normal. We become accustomed to them. They are comforting in their familiarity. Thoughts such as: "You should have done this, you shouldn't have done that," these are the sorts of messages that are socialized into our minds. Frequently, compassion is labelled "coddling," but it's the farthest thing from coddling. Self-compassion does not mean self-pity and it isn't wimpy. Actually, it's hard to be kind to yourself in a world that compels you to put yourself down. It's hard to "fit in" when you're not denigrating yourself in front of others. The messages are all over the place! Specifically from a body-image/eating disorder perspective, these are some messages: you open Vouge and the message is that you're inadequate, exercise all the time, never eat this, always eat that, don't do this thing, do this other thing, wear this, don't wear that, you'll be more interesting if you do this and less interesting if you do that. The adolescent me was completely absorbed by these aspects of popular culture. I was dying to fit in for a multitude of reasons that I will not describe right now. So, we denigrate ourselves and misinterpret the denigration as humbleness. They are not the same thing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the role that self-compassion plays in combating self-loathing. I wish there were a Federal holiday for celebrating self-compassion. We could all breathe and smile and laugh.
So, can you be kind to yourself despite living in a world that contests the importance of self-loathing? Can you feed yourself despite living in a culture that puts restriction and limiting the female form on a pedastal? It takes courage. You can. I'm going at it. Often, it's a struggle to challenge the self-criticism. (note: Have you thought about from where the voice of your self-criticism hails? I learned to criticize myself at a young age (more on that later). It's helpful to discern these sorts of things. It takes willingness to go against fears of external judgement, it takes guts to go up against internalized self-judgment. It's important to remember that fears of external judgemnet are only predictions. You may have evidence that your prediction will come true. But can not be certain. You can create your own prediction. When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Do you know what I mean? You'll find it if you fear it enough to look for it. This is why body image is such a pernicious aspect of eating disorder recovery. What you look at and judge is not there. You are not all of the negative things that your mind tells you to think about yourself. You are an incarnation of Love. Write yourself a love letter. Get curious. Be willing.
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