Introduction

"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way."

- Isak Dinesen -

I have come here to blog and share about my process out of an eating disorder and towards a compassionate relationship with all aspects that make me, Me. I entered the process of eating disorder recovery on May 5, 2011. I have been free of eating disorder behavior for about two years. This is not long in the grand scheme of my goals. My goals are: to continue evolving with unadulterated self-honesty and loving-kindness, to follow the path of eternal compassionate liberation from the binds of suffering and fear. To free myself from American popular culture's claws, and to attain freedom from the expectations and limitations that American culture places on women. Finally, to accept myself, and to embrace myself and all of my imperfections. I have more goals and like all beings, I have a journey ahead and a ways to go. Despite the long road before me, my current life experience is extraordinarily different as compared to just a few years ago. I am not drowning in a 20 year battle with eating disorder behavior. Thus far, recovering from an eating disorder has been the most arduous and frightening yet nourishing and meaningful experience of my life. So, I hope this blog can be a space for me to give back to the universe that has bestowed awareness, presence, compassion and joy back into my life.

A few months back, my sister chuckled, “I love how you have real-people problems now.” In many ways, she’s right on. But I must add my value of not becoming complacent in eating disorder recovery; it is important to me to continue to hang a question mark on the beliefs that underlie my actions, beliefs that could potentially invite self-loathing into my world. I will never forget the undiluted wisdom that seeped out of a certain peer I knew in treatment when she stated a realization that she had experienced about her recovery: "I realize that my eating disorder lives and breathes in the little things that I think don't matter." I am eternally grateful for her remark, I think it is profound and I think of it often. Needless to say, my recovery is exceptionally strong. I am no longer plagued by anxious thoughts about the eating disorder. I no longer want to lose weight (if you have an eating disorder, you may know how incredibly impossible this feels. It happens and I will write more about it later.) I do not have restricting on a pedestal, I do not live in fear of binging and purging; I no longer use any of these painful behaviors. Occasionally, I hear the voices that compel me to want to avoid food, lose weight, or change my body in some way. Passive thoughts that need compassionate and curious attention. I have space between myself from these parts of me and speak to them from a curious and self-led stance (more on IFS later).  
For the most part, I have made peace with the food. I not longer feel gripped with fear when food is present. You may or may not know that it's not about the food, it's totally about the food, its not about the food. More on this later. But for now, learning to feed my body with compassionate intention has been an incredible feat for me. In addition, I find that as time goes on, I judge my body less and less. I believe that this gift of recovery is the result of the professionals at the treatment center that I attended, my self-compassionate discipline, my personal devotion to recovery, my willingness, my tenacity and my caring support system. 

Everything I have disclosed thus far is not to say that I do not have struggles with the factors that influence my eating disorder. Like many, I struggle with being present. Often, I fear judgment before I redirect myself. Often, I wish to race after certainty and security before I remember that they are socially constructed concepts that encourage humans to think about the future. They will not materialize if I seek them. They are only there for me if and when I am present. They are not objectives; they are always right here, right now. Like most minds, my mind always wants to think about the past and the future. It wants to race in circles in a misguided attempt to protect me. Since rising out of the eating disorder, I have devoted myself to the cultivation of self-awareness, compassion, and loving-kindness. 

I am opening this blog in order to talk about some of the most meaningful and transformative experiences in my process. In a way, I hope that if I write about what worked for me, it might help just one other person. I also note that recovery happens every moment, in every decision and in bringing the light of presence to every moment, I intend to post my inspiration, the texts, poems and thoughts that reinforce my sense of connectedness. I also intend to write about the thoughts, encounters and struggles that characterize my ongoing process. In many ways, the conventions that allow a person to recover from an eating disorder are relevant to the greater population. Many people struggle with self-hatred, perfectionism, incessant seeking, unflinching avoidance, self-criticism, harmful attachment, toxic shame, unresolved trauma, fear, sadness, grief, disintegration, unwillingness, a sense of undeservingness, generalized anxiety, panic and emotional dysregulation (the list could go on). On some level, who doesn’t cope with at least a few of these struggles? I did, I do. Like you, I’m working on it and I’m here to talk about it. This blog is about self-disclosure, and of course it makes me feel a bit hesitant and vulnerable. But, I wonder if perhaps it would help others (and me) if I speak out anyway? I guess we’ll just wait and see, if so: that’s great, if not, that’s okay too. Patience and compassion are the only things that work; a wise and brilliant woman I know told me this, and she’s right. 

To add, I am a graduate student in clinical counseling. I’m sure that my blog will reflect a multitude of my opinions. I want to be clear that unless otherwise stated, my opinions are based on personal experience and not in scientific literature. Also, I am not yet a licensed counselor. So, if anyone asks me any questions, please know that your answers are coming not from information backed by scientific fact, but from a woman’s personal experience.

* Important side note:  If you know me personally, you have my promise to protect your confidentiality. I will not discuss you unless you speak to me and want me to do so! If I discuss any interactions that I have with friends, you will be friend, acquaintance, woman, man, girl, boy, peer, sister, or simply person…terminally anonymous, I promise.