▼ Allowingness ▼

I listened to Tara Brach again this evening; I listened to the audio titled 'Into the Wilderness.' First, Tara talks about habitual ways of resisting (and this reminded me of my blog because eating disorders are all about resisting; its a compulsion to resistance; it's an "I can't handle the legacy burdens and I need an escape" kind of resistance; it's an "if I sit in presence, I will feel like I am falling to pieces because my desperate and fearful mind will escape every other millisecond and I CANNOT TOLERATE the returning, the returning...just to be disappointed by the fearful mind once more" kind of resistance; it's an "I NEED to live in this role but I CANNOT live in this role" kind of resistance; its an eternal reverberation of: I'm not okay, I'm not okay; I'M NOT OKAY; it's chaos and it's excruciating...but recognizing and being with the chaos and the excrucitating-ness is the way to deeply recover).

Then, Tara talks about the body as a portal into what-is; a portal into the radiance that surrouds us. She talks about how seeking our inner nature mirrors the archetypal process of going into the wilderness. How we wander the internal world and the external world, and that we find the same barriers in both worlds. She means that being present in the external world, that being present with the breeze, that being with sensations that center us can deliver us to our internal sense of eternal-centeredness. Crying can be an advance into the wilderness. A few nights ago, a beautiful friend of mine cried as she thought of the concept of breaking the surface. Her tears following her longing heart. Internal voices desperate for profound self-soothing connection, simultaneously fearful of the process of self-connection. The tension between the different sorts of longing is a poignant sensation; but she sat with it, brave. A compassionate warrior. And she let her tears fall, and I felt grateful for her, and compassion for her. And I knew that her fear, her longing, and her vulnerability-angst were rooted in both her external and internal worlds. I think she is like all of us. I know that she is both poet and poem; in our own ways we are all poets and poems.

But like most poets, we also become those who condemn our poet-ness for not writing the perfect poem; the poem that goes: boom. Big blasting poems. There is a fear that one's inherent poetry and internal eternal-centerness will not be enough. Enough for what? To each his own. Still, we all avoid on account of being fearful that we are not enough. We all run away and the act of running away is never as simple as we can sometimes fool ourselves into believing. It's never really just avoidance. It's almost always a disowning process; a process of dismissing. In IFS work, we have a name for the parts of ourselves to who want to run away: protectors (managers, etc). They are the voices that say: If you do this perfectly, then everything is going to be okay. They are the voices of blame, self-recrimination, and self-deception. They are the voices behind the obscure sensation that something in comparatively wrong with our bodies; they are the voices attempting to sooth something inside of us by saying: You'll be acceptable when.../If only.../And of course...should...SHould...SHOULD! They are also the voice(s) that communicate the Felt Sense Prayer (which I have included in the bottom of this posting; it is originally written by Bob Shapero), which Brach recites at the end of her audio. Beneath the shoulds, they are really saying that they are afraid. They are really saying: I am saying "should" because you are fearful of what will happen if you do not do "___fill in the blank___" or if you do not become "_____." They speak on behalf of what is inside, and their voices point us in the direction of what always has been. A particularly true moment is when Shapero says: "More often than not I am just the most recent notes of a long symphony;" one must acknowledge the symphony and be willing to change the notes along the way. There is no point in waiting and saying, "next time I will challenge the shoulds," now is the time. Following the meal plan later, challenging thoughts later...later doesn't work. Do it right now; be with it right now. All we have is now.

The other side of "should" is allowing oneself to be with what is; allowing what-is to Be. And this Allowingness, allowing what is here to stay here; allowing ourselves to be here with whatever is here, is a concept that is so dear to my tender heart. It is central to eating disorder recovery. Do you know the threatening voices, the ED, the anxiety, the perfectionism, the self-hate...whatever you struggle with...the disconnection, the trauma, the depression, the narcissism, the fear, fear, fear; the things that seem as though they will never subside? These parts will soften if you are willing to BE WITH them. They do soften, and they are vulnerable and in need of love, reassurance, and kindness. If one looks at these parts/thought processes/memories/impulses/emotions/etc, they become what Shapero states in his prayer. They transform from frightening chaos into "harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being, where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart." Looking at these thought processes/emotions/etc. as parts is a way of organizing a sense of internal chaos and giving each disorganized part compassion and love. Kindness, patience, and compassion are the only things that work. I'll never forget the woman who taught me this simple truth; I'm eternally grateful. If she read this, I am not sure that she would even know that I am referring to her.

Again, I'll return to Tara Brach's: Into the Wilderness. Brach's messages are consistently on point for me. Lately, I've been struggling with a sense of feeling inadequate. Today, when Tara read this Felt Sense Prayer and as I listened, I felt reminded of the deep gratitude that I hold for the voice of inadequacy because at its core, it is a part who feels vulnerable and frightened. Intent on getting my attention because I'm pushing it away, avoiding it. It is there so that I remember to pay attention to my internal experience. It is there so that I can translate its suffering into connectedness and joy.


Tonight I feel inspired by Brach's recitation, and so I wanted to share her Felt Sense Prayer. So, a gift for anyone who might be reading, please enjoy (and thank you)...

I am the pain in your head, the knot in your stomach, the unspoken grief in your smile.
I am your high blood sugar, your elevated blood pressure, your fear of challenge, your lack of trust.
I am your hot flashes, your cold hands and feet, your agitation and your fatigue.
I am your shortness of breath, your fragile low back, the cramp in you r neck, the despair in your sigh.
I am the pressure on your heart, the pain down your arm, your bloated abdomen, your constant hunger.
I am where you hurt, the fear that persists, your sadness of dreams unfulfilled.
I am your symptoms, the causes of your concern, the signs of imbalance, your condition of dis-ease.

You tend to disown me, suppress me, ignore me, inflate me, coddle me, condemn me.
I am not coming forth for myself as I am not separate from all that is you.
I come to garner your attention, to enjoin your embrace so I can reveal my secrets.
I have only your best interests at heart as I seek health and wholeness by simply announcing myself.

You usually want me to go away immediately, to disappear, to sleek back into obscurity.
You mostly are irritated or frightened and many times shocked by my arrival.
From this stance you medicate in order to eradicate me.
 Ignoring me, not exploring me, is your preferred response.
More times than not I am only the most recent notes of a long symphony, the most evident branches of roots that have been challenged for seasons.

So I implore you, I am a messenger with good news, as disturbing as I can be at times.
I am wanting to guide you back to those tender places in yourself,
the place where you can hold yourself with compassion and honesty.
If you look beyond my appearance you may find that I am a voice from your soul.
Calling to you from places deep within that seek your conscious alignment.

I may ask you to alter your diet, get more sleep, exercise regularly, breathe more consciously.
I might encourage you to see a vaster reality and worry less about the day to day fluctuations of life.
I may ask you to explore the bonds and the wounds of your relationships.
I may remind you to be more generous and expansive or to attend to protecting your heart from insult.
I might have you laugh more, spend more time in nature, eat when you are hungry and less  when pained or bored, spend time every day, if only for  a few minutes, being still.

Wherever I lead you, my hope is that you will realize that success will not be measured by my eradication, but by the shift in the internal landscape from which I emerge.

I am your friend, not your enemy.  I have no desire to bring pain and suffering into your life.
I am simply tugging at your sleeve, too long immune to gentle nudges.
I desire for you to allow me to speak to you in a way that enlivens your higher instincts for self care.
My charge is to energize you to listen to me with the sensitive ear and heart
of a mother attending to her precious baby.

You are a being so vast, so complex, with amazing capacities for self-regulation and healing.
Let me be one of the harbingers that lead you to the mysterious core of your being
where insight and wisdom are naturally available when called upon with a sincere heart.