Caught myself in avoidance

I was just working on a blog post about how people with eating disorders often employ an external focus in order to block out internal distress. Once eating disorder behaviors are not overwhelming a person's every day life, the underlying stuff (such as the external focus) still exists, and it continues to needs attention. I have felt anxious since this morning about an internal polarization surrounding doing and not doing. I have parts who want to do-do-do in order to compensate and feel relevant, and I have other parts who are terrified that if I do-do-do, then I'm just going to miss our on being a human-being and will live my life as another human-doing. Since this morning, I have felt resistant to bring my focus inside. But, aware that I need to re-adjust internally, I came to Starbucks to journal....and then somehow, I found myself caught up in writing a blog about emotional avoidance. Yes, writing a blog post about emotional avoidance instead of facing my emotions. Sometimes I just feel like laughing at myself. Anyway, I might post my post tomorrow. But for right now, I need to attend to my distress. I'm glad that I noticed it, for so long it is was easy to obliterate my awareness of tears bubbling below the surface, a desire to neglect my feelings or act out against myself. To follow the larger culture and punish myself back into a doing-paradigm. Today, this is not going to happen, not even by blogging. You see, even things that are essentially therapeutic can become an act of avoidance. As a rule of thumb, if a doing is not continually done with kindness, patience, self-compassion, and honest reflection, then it is a good idea to question whether the doing is therapeutic. Not that every action must be therapeutic, but when that's what you're going for, I think you might know what i mean...

And on a semi-related note, I love this quote by Sappho...